Beginning a new journey

2010! what a big fat number!

I'm a few months from graduation. it seems so distant, but I've come to realize that most of life's little polaroids come and go, escaping into ebb and flow of yesterday. Sometimes, if you're hungry enough, you can catch the details of the moment you're living and the path up ahead.

My path has changed - it's risky, inglorious, hostile, uncelebrated, and hopeful. I feel like I'm following Mr. Frost down the cutesey little path less traveled upon, except it looks more the corridor to Mordor. Still, I don't think i'd ever be able to forgive myself if i didnt take this hike.

I've been living my life like a formula: so long as I show up for class, do good work, and plug into stuff that makes my resume look nice, life will do all the work for me. I'll be successful - earning the approval of others in the form of wages, prestige, and realizing every asian mother's dream for their kid. For years i've been a faithful zombie to the institution - tuning in, tuning out, and trading passion for obedience. since my dream-filled childhood days, I've turned my ear from the yearnings of my heart to the teachings of scared men, but i'm beginning to hear the familiar ringing once again. It's reality, and it's got a long overdue voice message waiting to speak some life into my "life."

I suppose now would be a good time to say what exactly it is that is weighing so heavily on my heart- I'm likely to deviate from a long-term career in finance towards a long-term career in creative writing (preferably film producing/screen writing or in e-journalism). Seeing what i thought i wanted for the past 22 years of my life lying in front of me has helped me to realize that it's not really what i want. The money, the status, and trying to convince myself that i loved what i was doing was not really what i loved wasn't worth it. This is an especially difficult choice to me because I'll be going in a totally different direction in to an incredibly competitive industry which is in the the experiencing the worst turmoil it has ever historically experienced.

At the end of the day, I just want to weave a warmer fabric into society and leave this world admitting to myself honestly that I've made bared fruit on Earth in a true, meaningful way. maybe that sounds altruistic and naive, but maybe in this crazy world, you have to be if you want to make it.

I dont want to mindlessly plaster crosses and edifices of Jesus across cable television, but i believe that there is a timeless message on God's heart that satisfies the desire of all people - or at least those who are hungry for spiritual authenticity. God has placed this huge burden on my spirit to translate his relevant heart and message through the media in a way that breathes life into society instead of merely trying to suck out its dollars. the pattern of life seems to be a vicious circular one consisting of mankind chasing various ways to fill a mysterious hole in their hearts. my desire is to identify that hole as Jesus Christ and to fill it with his love and truth as He done faithfully for me over the past 10 brilliant years.

-phew-

I feel like Neo when he emerges from the matrix - a naked, discombobulated, and soggy mess, awakening to a seemingly alien fantasy (though nothing could be farther from the truth). Escaping from the rat race, i took a step back to investigate what really it was that ignited my passion. It didn't take me long before I realized that I loved to write even in my spare time because for its nature as a skill medium that allows for my true passion for creative expression.

Writing (to me) is just one marvelous stream of expression in a unique color. It's an undeniable need that God birthed in us - this desire to feel, express, respond, and experience the world around us in a way that extends beyond a mere thought experiment. to me, writing is feeling your way around the world with your words. Writers aren't always parting their hair whilst sitting beneath willows, ambling over moleskins with fountain pens. however, all writers skillfully and linguistically navigate their mind - and sometimes even their heart. my two cents from the bottom of my favorite pair.

More or less, I'm not resolving to make a different career choice as I am a way of life. I want to look people in the eye and speak my mind without wavering. I'm drowning out the accusing self-awareness that cripples me behind the dangerous lines of safety. I'm dancing on my way to class or in the isles of the frozen food section because it makes me happy. I want to chase after the woman holding my heart with chivalrous desire. I'm just seeking to live life passionately. I believe doing so is a noble and superior pursuit worthy of leaving behind the comfort so fiercely desired by reason.

I guess I leave myself with one question that I'm still feeling out: Is this detour from the path sending me down to a road to ruin? Is this wrong-turn really wrong?

Perhaps not. It just might be a diamond in the rough; a good story without an ending; a sleeve of life better left un-hemmed.

I'm banking on it!