a rending of heart on things "uncool"

Optimism: when life buries you in a massive pile of crap, hoping for the best may be the only prayer you have to go on. I hear stories of victims buried in rubble who asphyxiate themselves from panicking out of fear of never being found moments before rescuers arrive on scene. It's not just naivety or simplemindedness to be optimistic. It's a pragmatic regard for a bitter truth: to make it, you have to be willing to hope for things that aren't promised.

Marriage: people used to be excited about getting married and I miss that. all that's left is a cold sweat and a bitter taste: marriage just seems to be one big disappointment. Marriage itself is not the problem - marriage can be a sweet thing. When you're deep in love, there's nothing you'd want more than to spend the rest of your life with that person. The whole commitment-complex thing isn't even on your mind because you are so wildly in love. In fact, its most liberating to look into someone's eyes and let them peer into your soul with a promise that says "you are the only one for me."

And that is precisely why marriages have become the unfortunate formality it is today - it no longer holds it's sacred promise because few can wield the power of such weighty words. It's hard to honestly say - or at least to convince someone - that we're committed when we carry the physical and emotional luggage of lovers past. The quintessential virgin of body and heart is a secret kept from the reckless of heart. In fact, I'd venture to say that abstinence isn't lame at all. It's a diamond in the rough - a sign of someone who's said their share of "no's" to make their "yes" so much more worth it. It gives you something that you can - and should - give someone only once: a promise.

"I know who you are. I love you, and I always will." Everyone deserves to hear that from someone.

Beginning a new journey

2010! what a big fat number!

I'm a few months from graduation. it seems so distant, but I've come to realize that most of life's little polaroids come and go, escaping into ebb and flow of yesterday. Sometimes, if you're hungry enough, you can catch the details of the moment you're living and the path up ahead.

My path has changed - it's risky, inglorious, hostile, uncelebrated, and hopeful. I feel like I'm following Mr. Frost down the cutesey little path less traveled upon, except it looks more the corridor to Mordor. Still, I don't think i'd ever be able to forgive myself if i didnt take this hike.

I've been living my life like a formula: so long as I show up for class, do good work, and plug into stuff that makes my resume look nice, life will do all the work for me. I'll be successful - earning the approval of others in the form of wages, prestige, and realizing every asian mother's dream for their kid. For years i've been a faithful zombie to the institution - tuning in, tuning out, and trading passion for obedience. since my dream-filled childhood days, I've turned my ear from the yearnings of my heart to the teachings of scared men, but i'm beginning to hear the familiar ringing once again. It's reality, and it's got a long overdue voice message waiting to speak some life into my "life."

I suppose now would be a good time to say what exactly it is that is weighing so heavily on my heart- I'm likely to deviate from a long-term career in finance towards a long-term career in creative writing (preferably film producing/screen writing or in e-journalism). Seeing what i thought i wanted for the past 22 years of my life lying in front of me has helped me to realize that it's not really what i want. The money, the status, and trying to convince myself that i loved what i was doing was not really what i loved wasn't worth it. This is an especially difficult choice to me because I'll be going in a totally different direction in to an incredibly competitive industry which is in the the experiencing the worst turmoil it has ever historically experienced.

At the end of the day, I just want to weave a warmer fabric into society and leave this world admitting to myself honestly that I've made bared fruit on Earth in a true, meaningful way. maybe that sounds altruistic and naive, but maybe in this crazy world, you have to be if you want to make it.

I dont want to mindlessly plaster crosses and edifices of Jesus across cable television, but i believe that there is a timeless message on God's heart that satisfies the desire of all people - or at least those who are hungry for spiritual authenticity. God has placed this huge burden on my spirit to translate his relevant heart and message through the media in a way that breathes life into society instead of merely trying to suck out its dollars. the pattern of life seems to be a vicious circular one consisting of mankind chasing various ways to fill a mysterious hole in their hearts. my desire is to identify that hole as Jesus Christ and to fill it with his love and truth as He done faithfully for me over the past 10 brilliant years.

-phew-

I feel like Neo when he emerges from the matrix - a naked, discombobulated, and soggy mess, awakening to a seemingly alien fantasy (though nothing could be farther from the truth). Escaping from the rat race, i took a step back to investigate what really it was that ignited my passion. It didn't take me long before I realized that I loved to write even in my spare time because for its nature as a skill medium that allows for my true passion for creative expression.

Writing (to me) is just one marvelous stream of expression in a unique color. It's an undeniable need that God birthed in us - this desire to feel, express, respond, and experience the world around us in a way that extends beyond a mere thought experiment. to me, writing is feeling your way around the world with your words. Writers aren't always parting their hair whilst sitting beneath willows, ambling over moleskins with fountain pens. however, all writers skillfully and linguistically navigate their mind - and sometimes even their heart. my two cents from the bottom of my favorite pair.

More or less, I'm not resolving to make a different career choice as I am a way of life. I want to look people in the eye and speak my mind without wavering. I'm drowning out the accusing self-awareness that cripples me behind the dangerous lines of safety. I'm dancing on my way to class or in the isles of the frozen food section because it makes me happy. I want to chase after the woman holding my heart with chivalrous desire. I'm just seeking to live life passionately. I believe doing so is a noble and superior pursuit worthy of leaving behind the comfort so fiercely desired by reason.

I guess I leave myself with one question that I'm still feeling out: Is this detour from the path sending me down to a road to ruin? Is this wrong-turn really wrong?

Perhaps not. It just might be a diamond in the rough; a good story without an ending; a sleeve of life better left un-hemmed.

I'm banking on it!

Musical Nostalgia

I got range!

Elementary school:

- I remember when my dad gave me his old dusty sony fm radio boom box and I put it on top of my dresser looking for radio stations. that's how discovered the love of my early life: Wild 94.9! man, I totally remember feelin so hood in Milpitas listening to "that's just the way it is" thinking about all the girls i had crushes on. I had so many feelings when I was a little kid! Whenever a good song was on, I remember running around trying to find a cassette to record songs and make mixtapes for cuties after which I'd lock the door and rock out til I was a sweaty mess. haha 90's one-hit power dance music that I cant remember the artists to: Another Night, Pump up the jam, 2 times, Rhythm of the Night...dag. NOSTALGIA.

- Sometimes when my dad and I were driving around in the old blue '87 nissan truck, the Let's Talk About Sex song would come on and I'd cover my mouth while my dad awkwardly changed the radio station. funny random memory.

- HAH! that super weird She Blinded Me With Science/Come on Eileen music mix infomercial! remember that? My first wtf moment...

- Lauryn Hill & Erykah Badu! got soul at an early age.

- BOYZ II MEN. MOTOWN. PERIOD.

- Backstreet boys: Around 4th grade, these guys hit the scene HARD. Back then, it wasn't weird for guys to give respect to the backstreet boys. Spiked hair, frosty tips, and middle-school dances have much thanks to give to these guys. then N'sync hit. I pretended to like them, but on the inside, I was (and still am) BSB til the day I die. real talk.

- Around 3rd grade, No Doubt released Tragic Kingdom - still one of my top favorite albums ever! Sunday Morning, Spiderwebs, Dont Speak, Tragic Kingdom...I remember sneaking the anti-shock CD player outside the house and walking the streets in my neighborhood listening to songs for hours.

- I think Ska/alternative reggae made its big inception around the mid 90's. Sugar Ray, Shaggie, Sublime, the feel good music I'd listen to in the car with my friend Chris Ha while our moms shopped at Nordstrom Rack.

Junior High:

- Backstreet Boys and N'Sync continued their reign of terror.

- Middle school dances were these rare events that might constitute some of the funnest times of my life! I remember when dance wasn't a big deal and people just had fun spazzing out without trying to look cool. I think I got in a circle and moved my feet as fast as I could and I'd get really sweaty and my friends were super impressed. YMCA and All My Life was huuuuge. The first dance I ever went to was in middle school and I asked a girl to dance for the first time to the tune of Never Had a Dream Come True by S club 7. One of those funny things that a guy remembers...

- I had this huge crush on this Japanese girl and I remember trying to find Japanese music so I could talk to her during lunch. I tried to memorize the lyrics to first love so we could sing it together. chilvalry, y'all. Turns out Japanese music aint half bad! M-Flo, Ayumi Hamasaki, Chemistry, and of course - Utada Hikaru.

- Got saved and truly started enjoying the pleasure of worshipping God! It was more than just singing songs and getting emotional; it was powerful in a way words cant really describe. Thank you Steven Curtis Chapman, Vineyard music, and others.

HIGH SCHOOL:

- Emo music was, and still is, a big influence on my life. Too many nights parked in the lot of my high school pondering lofty thoughts to the tune of Jimmy Eat World (probably my All-time favorite alternative band), Bright Eyes, Senses fail, Relient K, the Mars Volta, Taking Back Sunday, Saves the Day, New Starting Over, Rooney, Something Corporate, Avril Lavigne's early stuff, others. Driving to music became special to me: Many good times flooring it down rainbow avenue on my way to practice with the band in my grey dickies and small band tees.

- Got really into drums and joined wind ensemble, marching band pit & drum corps - one of the best choices I have made in my life. My band teachers like Doc and Tom Gierke taught me to appreciate technique and finesse. I remember walking into the band room and seeing the announcements on the white board, profanities on the music stands, and the stinky stale air in the percussion room. I really loved the sound of strings, brass and winds though - there is no other feeling quite like having hundreds of horns and woodwinds filling the air. I'm getting tingly just thinking about it! The sound and smell of the parking lot is still super fresh in my mind. After hours and hours of non-stop rudiments and warm-ups under the sun, I still have martian mambo on my ipod!

- The Postal Service came out and I remember thinking their music was really cool. sounds Nintendo-y!

- Joined jazz band and fell absolutely in love with it - the sound, the skill, the feeling! improvisation is hardcore. Jazz is probably still my favorite sound to date.

College:

- I started to stream music online pretty hardcore looking up random artists here and there on imeem. I found Damien Rice and started thinking of green fields, pretty scenery, ykno. coffee shop stuff. (Tangent: Seems like Indie music is no longer "Indie" - it's totally mainstream now! Nothing wrong with that though.) Rachael Yamagata, Iron & Wine, Bon Iver, many many others

- I got introduced to Bethel and IHOP music which I quickly learned to love. I remember seeing Chris Quilala's name for the first time and thinking "what the freak. quail-allah?" Still my favorite prayer music. something about it just opens up my heart and mind.

and the list goes on...here's to many more, 2010!