You crazy young fool.

And now I find myself far too complex a man to lose myself in life's simple pleasures. To play within the lines of being, rather than commentary. Just be, Brian. Just be! Put down the camera and just enjoy the view!

I'm a worker, chasing an anointing reserved for lovers

My Asian identity and my faith

One year ago, I could care less about Asia.

I mainly attribute it to the shared consciousness I shared with my Asian friends growing up of painful reprimands for low grades and an extremely materialistically-driven performance mindset (become a doctor, engineer, wealth = success, etc). It hurt me so much because as I grew up loving the arts alongside my artist grandfather who took care of me while my parents were working their silicon valley jobs. He's guide my hand through sketching exercises and I'd spend countless hours on our patio scribbling along the path of my mind's canvas. So when I faced the non-artistic expectations that my Asian heritage had so piously worshipped, I was deeply hurt. "Why can't I love math? Why do I love the arts? Why can't my passion for the arts extend into my profession?" My young head was filled with these sorts of frustrations.

To be more honest, I had little regard for my South Korean heritage. I detested the Korean homogeneous Burberry/Von Dutch/highlighted Asian perm images that seemed to define my ethnic background because they were signals saying "I am Korean." But I wasn't proud of my cultural values - it made me ashamed to identify myself as Korean. Whenever people asked me if I was Korean, I would say off-handedly that I was an "American" (except during the world cup. Korea was doin work). I took special pride in my western upbringing, my colorless ethnic identity; not "white," not quite Korean - I was an American. I never wished I was Caucasian; I just didn't like the idea of being categorized into an umbrella identity because all the stereotypes that came with these ethnic classifications seemed so fake. I just wanted to be real, to let people know that before I am a Korean-American, I am a human being. I guess this is part of the reason why I have a great deal of compassion for misunderstood people and counter cultures that defy cultural stereotypes (keep in mind - I dont like the idea of causing controversy for controversy's sake/ attention). I believed deeply in the social deviant's message: when you strip away everything, we all look the same - we're human beings.

To be fair, I'm not trying to champion a special commentary on race relations as if I were some expert (if there is truly is such a thing); I'm just sharing my experience. The reason I bring all this to the table is to underline my passionate respect and hunger for authenticity. I just wanted to be real with myself and others, and when possible, to spend time with real people likewise. I didn't want to fake my passion for the arts for the sake of upholding the Asian expectations from my heritage. I'm just deeply drawn to authentic people.

And this is a testimony to the power of God to change a stubborn heart for something greater than its own concerns:

Over the past year, there has been a change in my heart that I can't express. The best way I can describe it is that God had taken the thoughts, opinions, and preconceptions I had previously made and sculpted them towards the way he views Asia: beautiful. Though I had my doubts about Asian culture, there was a certain beauty that began to emerge in Asia that I loved: a passion and desire for an authentic encounter with God.

and authentic encounter!

The great thing about love is that it is by definition authentic. You can try to fake love for a while, but eventually, you can't because it is so costly to really love someone or something. You really have to purely adore and devote yourself despite any pain that may come along to something you truly love. The greater thing about love is God's ability to express it. I cant sum up the teeming expression in my spirit about how completely sweet, kind, patient, and pure God's love is, but I will say that upon seeing it through an up-close-and-personal relationship with him, understanding and basking in his love is so magnificently breath-taking, that it inspires and compels men to lay their lives down for it. I had my negative preconceptions about God formed by observing the painful christian hypocrisy that seemed so prevalent, but God broke through my pride and showed me who he really is - He is love. He is John 3:16. He is Corinthians 13. He is totally irresistible, pure, and attractive; authentic in every way. Before having a real relationship with God, I felt like a hammer trying to do a screw driver's work - something was out of place and I knew that I wasn't doing what I was made to do nor receiving any sense of fulfillment. But after making a decision to follow him wholeheartedly, I finally feel like I'm nailing it.

Sorry for the tangent, but it was important because as I watched videos of thousands of broken-hearted youth sprinting to the altar in Indonesia, hungry-for-more Taiwanese youth weeping in worship before the Lord, and many other striking images, I recognized that in their hearts, they felt the same lovely adoration and desire for God that I had felt in my most intimate moments with Him. I realized the sting of my pride and decided to lay it down as I finally saw the beautiful attraction to the Lord in my Asian brothers and sisters overseas. Many of these Asian countries are marked with turmoil and poverty, but their suffering had born good fruit in them - to hunger for the deeper things unreachable to the jade-hearted in the West. In my heart, I longed for the same thing to happen here in America, and I bore deep reverence for their spiritual hunger.

The contemporary stirrings in Burma, Thailand, China, N/S Koreas, Taiwan, Indonesia, and others are riddled with God's momentum. It excites me in a strange way, and for the first time ever, I can honestly say that I feel a longing to be there. I wish to be a part of what God is doing in these times, and I see him doing a wonderful thing in the hearts of the those in my motherland.

Lord, my heart burns for what you are doing in Asia! Thank you for making me Asian!

BJP

growing up, wanting more

This space is collecting major dustage. I used to crank out 5 entries a month! and now I'm barely writing one. Man of few words? No - I'm just feeling pretty spent - the growing pains of graduation, full time employment, etc; my responsibilities are getting stacked. but I most not grow faint. must. keep. writing!

It's so easy to get your wings clipped here in America - I know this because I'm feeling the shears against my own feathertips. My friend Grace says that we "live in America off of credit" and this is true. When it's so easy to buy something with money we dont have, it's no wonder we say to ourselves "why not?"

But there's something much bigger at play here - bigger than just a simple spending problem. In our hearts, we have this vast empty space - a vacuumed emptiness constantly eating away at our content.

But this emptiness isn't a monster, it's a tune. It's a rhythm that we march to, dictating every step we take in life - every credit charge, every loan, every purchase.

I love the feeling of buying something new. There's something awesome about putting on a fresh new pair of jeans, setting up a new phone, or tuning up a new drumset. And the bigger the toy, the greater the joy. There's a certain car that I've set my eyes on recently. "Why not?" I asked myself, "I can afford it." I often imagine myself in it, cruising down the street in its pearly metallic frame - fully-loaded, fully bad-assed. My current car is what most people might call a major bag of suck - a double salvage title '02 Hyundai Accent (yeah, I know. Hyundai.). It hurts to look at its unpainted after-market bumper and dangling driver's side fender. It feels so wrong whenever I have to crank down my janky window or sheepishly ask the passenger to manually lock the door. like breaking a man-law. But at the end of the day, she is faithful in getting me from point A to point B. no major mechanical problems, just ugly as hell. Maybe this whole car thing is just my inner man crying out for a sick set of wheels.

Or maybe it's a hungry heart, crying out to be filled.

Professor says that consumerism is a mainstream trend in America. Appropriately named, we "consume" valuable goods to assimilate their worth, making them our own. We sign the multi-million dollar mortgages, sign up for more credit cards than we can handle, and fill our homes with more and more stuff - because of our fascination with the novelty of owning something valuble. We accept this habit because it's "necessary." We need to feel good. We need something to make the desire inside go away. But this story ends sadly - we become consumed by our own products. And pretty soon, our financial commitments to our lenders become ball and chain; Wing-clipped, empty-hearted bluebirds singing swan songs.

Not all the sex, money, nor achievements in all the world could fill the gaping hole in our heart. After all, its a hole in the HEART, not in the pocket.

As kids, we were given a few bucks to steward wisely. Not much as changed since then. Just the number of zeroes behind the paycheck. I remember posing for pictures as a child with my mushroom-top and gap-toothed smile as I stretched out a two-dollar bill in the air. But it wasn't the money that made me smile. It was my Dad standing proudly behind the camera.

With that, I leave you with one of the few profound and reliable statements I've written when I was a 16-year-old looking forward. His wisdom will be of much use to me.

"I believe the chief desire of every man is to be loved unconditionally, and after my long search, I have only found it within God who offers it freely and readily to those who will love him in return."

Stay young, give much, live FREE.

BJP

untitled

a few notes I wrote to myself a while back. a great reminder with life moving as fast as it is right now.

"Write little, talk less, do more"

"Worry little, surrender less, dream bigger"

"Work little, dawdle less, focus harder"

hm.

relationship vs revelation

Jesus comes to live through us, not because of revelation** but because of relationship - salvation is a relational experience more so than a conceptual lesson because it happens in real life.

so how can we as Christians - or "little Christs" - lead others to Jesus without establishing and cultivating a meaningful relationship with others? the relationship sets the soil for knowledge to enrich and grow understanding and through it the true teaching and reflection of the kingdom of God is understood. We must show and not explain God's qualities for someone to truly "get it".

First you must pierce the heart if you hope to reach the brain. And its ordered precisely so for a reason.

So who penetrates the heart - friend or teacher? Whose words carry the greater power? When you put the teacher hat on, the dynamic of your interpersonal relationships also changes; your relationship with others becomes centered on knowledge rather than intimacy. How easy is it to be intimate with a teacher? In the same way, for others to see Christ in us, we must become an experiential reflection of his heart and character.

One may gain an intrinsic insight into love through discussion, but it is deeply understood when it is experienced. For this reason, loving is central to the two greatest commandments because it becomes the conduit by which we enjoy and connect to the father's heart while also connecting others to Him.

Before we knew Him, we called Jesus teacher, but He called us beloved! Now we understand that He was always the lover of our soul - our bridegroom.

Relationship is central to the love that surpasses all knowledge. The kingdom is a fellowship, rather than a classroom understood relationally, not cognitively.

** [most Christian logic bears no sense to nonbelievers on all ends of the intellectual spectrum anyways since its deeper and logical revelations are incumbent upon an initial and leap of faith which is by nature, irrational and not easy to buy into.]

Untamed, Unbridled - the Wildman's heart

Instinct - the mystic algorithm driving forth all living things to their inescapable destinies.

None escape except one - man.

Why does man yearn? Why does he feel, want, sing, order, build, destroy, kiss, and laugh? Why does he throw himself against the walls of his heart seeking the thimbles of adventure? Why does his heart fill him with feeling at all? Perhaps man's instinct is to use his brain, as many scholars suggest. They say that out of this intellectual instinct, men shape and make their own destinies. As if looking up in worship at a the shining hill and the silhouettes that engrave the noble heroic intellectual standing atop. They charge and challenge the limitations of our primal feebleness, seeking to understand all knowable things. "Yes!" they say "This is the meaning of life! to understand, to know, to be happy! The path of knowledge leads to the path of our utopia!"

but knowledge is a thing - neither good nor bad nor holding any truth in and of itself. Even today we sidestep the difficult questions left to man. The simple paradoxes of love, beauty, joy, justice, and truth.

We have a deeper yearning unfulfilled by centuries of brilliant understanding. Despite our heroic pursuit, we cannot escape that which was born in us and that which all other desires boil down to: a desire for a sense of fulfillment. I believe that fulfillment is a love that is patient, kind, trusting, hopeful, forgiving, generous, selfless, unboasting, unfailing. Without its sweetness, we will settle for lesser comforts - a lover's embrace, the power of distinction, the comfort of luxury.

All the while, the heart grows colder still.

In fact, the longer we settle and lie to our heart, we'll forget its voice. Its compass point is shrouded and demagnetized, our basic God-given understanding of what is good in life - truth, mercy, justice, compassion - of this we lose faith. Divulging into deeper complex politics and cynical philosophies, we justify genocide and other mad pursuits. There is a point of no turning back - when we leave behind the truth tugging at our conscience to become a"wise" fool.

Unconditional love - a rare and efficient common denominator by which all men - who indeed are still men - can know and understand. To recognize it, hunger for it, stand for its behalf, die for its fulfillment - these are worthy pursuits.

What a reckless desire we have! What an instinct that drives us forth! A burning passion more fiery than the surface of the sun and tempered than a blade! Instead of forging its flames, we solder it with feeble pursuits: Money, prestige, incomplete happiness, and other things that rot a man down to a withered and surrendered shadow of his former self. A clever trick, these cages that offers such safety, such death.

What does it mean to seek intellect if it affords man no filling of his soul? What wisdom is found in understanding if it only deepens the crevices of desire? The rising tides of applause and prestige ebbing at his monuments of pride can do nothing but rust and rot the faint beating of his starved heart. In fact, every droplet at the top of the skull down to the tip of the heart leans forth at the hint something much simpler - love.

What satisfaction is there in a hammer that doesn't build and the tape that doesn't measure? So too does the heart of man desire to be fulfilled. It was made and forged in the hands of God, created to be a mirror, taking in love and shining it out brilliantly.

If there is naivety and pain in this truth, I'd resign myself to it over and over. I'd rather go out in a mess of tears as a crucified lover than to rot away in the freezing lot of the regretful.

We have a brain, but we also have a heart filled with passion given to us by a father God who is not who most people say he is. The truth and deepest wisdom of this or any age cannot be bought or earned - it is paid for with the price of hunger. You don't need to be smart by social standards to be wise.

The wise man hears in the night what his heart is saying, and runs after it at the dawn.

THE need.

I am sorely convinced that every single need boils down to THE one need: true love, and love in its most complete forms is all these things: physical, emotional, spiritual.

Without a sincere embrace, we'll take the sex.

Without a friend, we'll settle for six.

Without adventure, we'll find someone else.

Without affirmation, we'll settle for applause.

Without hearing "you're beautiful," we'll seek the mirror.

Without grace, we'll have vengeance.

Without truth, we'll build theory.

Without Jesus, we're resigned to all of the above.

Every force on Earth stands governed by principles unseen.

Can you give it to them?

a rending of heart on things "uncool"

Optimism: when life buries you in a massive pile of crap, hoping for the best may be the only prayer you have to go on. I hear stories of victims buried in rubble who asphyxiate themselves from panicking out of fear of never being found moments before rescuers arrive on scene. It's not just naivety or simplemindedness to be optimistic. It's a pragmatic regard for a bitter truth: to make it, you have to be willing to hope for things that aren't promised.

Marriage: people used to be excited about getting married and I miss that. all that's left is a cold sweat and a bitter taste: marriage just seems to be one big disappointment. Marriage itself is not the problem - marriage can be a sweet thing. When you're deep in love, there's nothing you'd want more than to spend the rest of your life with that person. The whole commitment-complex thing isn't even on your mind because you are so wildly in love. In fact, its most liberating to look into someone's eyes and let them peer into your soul with a promise that says "you are the only one for me."

And that is precisely why marriages have become the unfortunate formality it is today - it no longer holds it's sacred promise because few can wield the power of such weighty words. It's hard to honestly say - or at least to convince someone - that we're committed when we carry the physical and emotional luggage of lovers past. The quintessential virgin of body and heart is a secret kept from the reckless of heart. In fact, I'd venture to say that abstinence isn't lame at all. It's a diamond in the rough - a sign of someone who's said their share of "no's" to make their "yes" so much more worth it. It gives you something that you can - and should - give someone only once: a promise.

"I know who you are. I love you, and I always will." Everyone deserves to hear that from someone.

Beginning a new journey

2010! what a big fat number!

I'm a few months from graduation. it seems so distant, but I've come to realize that most of life's little polaroids come and go, escaping into ebb and flow of yesterday. Sometimes, if you're hungry enough, you can catch the details of the moment you're living and the path up ahead.

My path has changed - it's risky, inglorious, hostile, uncelebrated, and hopeful. I feel like I'm following Mr. Frost down the cutesey little path less traveled upon, except it looks more the corridor to Mordor. Still, I don't think i'd ever be able to forgive myself if i didnt take this hike.

I've been living my life like a formula: so long as I show up for class, do good work, and plug into stuff that makes my resume look nice, life will do all the work for me. I'll be successful - earning the approval of others in the form of wages, prestige, and realizing every asian mother's dream for their kid. For years i've been a faithful zombie to the institution - tuning in, tuning out, and trading passion for obedience. since my dream-filled childhood days, I've turned my ear from the yearnings of my heart to the teachings of scared men, but i'm beginning to hear the familiar ringing once again. It's reality, and it's got a long overdue voice message waiting to speak some life into my "life."

I suppose now would be a good time to say what exactly it is that is weighing so heavily on my heart- I'm likely to deviate from a long-term career in finance towards a long-term career in creative writing (preferably film producing/screen writing or in e-journalism). Seeing what i thought i wanted for the past 22 years of my life lying in front of me has helped me to realize that it's not really what i want. The money, the status, and trying to convince myself that i loved what i was doing was not really what i loved wasn't worth it. This is an especially difficult choice to me because I'll be going in a totally different direction in to an incredibly competitive industry which is in the the experiencing the worst turmoil it has ever historically experienced.

At the end of the day, I just want to weave a warmer fabric into society and leave this world admitting to myself honestly that I've made bared fruit on Earth in a true, meaningful way. maybe that sounds altruistic and naive, but maybe in this crazy world, you have to be if you want to make it.

I dont want to mindlessly plaster crosses and edifices of Jesus across cable television, but i believe that there is a timeless message on God's heart that satisfies the desire of all people - or at least those who are hungry for spiritual authenticity. God has placed this huge burden on my spirit to translate his relevant heart and message through the media in a way that breathes life into society instead of merely trying to suck out its dollars. the pattern of life seems to be a vicious circular one consisting of mankind chasing various ways to fill a mysterious hole in their hearts. my desire is to identify that hole as Jesus Christ and to fill it with his love and truth as He done faithfully for me over the past 10 brilliant years.

-phew-

I feel like Neo when he emerges from the matrix - a naked, discombobulated, and soggy mess, awakening to a seemingly alien fantasy (though nothing could be farther from the truth). Escaping from the rat race, i took a step back to investigate what really it was that ignited my passion. It didn't take me long before I realized that I loved to write even in my spare time because for its nature as a skill medium that allows for my true passion for creative expression.

Writing (to me) is just one marvelous stream of expression in a unique color. It's an undeniable need that God birthed in us - this desire to feel, express, respond, and experience the world around us in a way that extends beyond a mere thought experiment. to me, writing is feeling your way around the world with your words. Writers aren't always parting their hair whilst sitting beneath willows, ambling over moleskins with fountain pens. however, all writers skillfully and linguistically navigate their mind - and sometimes even their heart. my two cents from the bottom of my favorite pair.

More or less, I'm not resolving to make a different career choice as I am a way of life. I want to look people in the eye and speak my mind without wavering. I'm drowning out the accusing self-awareness that cripples me behind the dangerous lines of safety. I'm dancing on my way to class or in the isles of the frozen food section because it makes me happy. I want to chase after the woman holding my heart with chivalrous desire. I'm just seeking to live life passionately. I believe doing so is a noble and superior pursuit worthy of leaving behind the comfort so fiercely desired by reason.

I guess I leave myself with one question that I'm still feeling out: Is this detour from the path sending me down to a road to ruin? Is this wrong-turn really wrong?

Perhaps not. It just might be a diamond in the rough; a good story without an ending; a sleeve of life better left un-hemmed.

I'm banking on it!

Musical Nostalgia

I got range!

Elementary school:

- I remember when my dad gave me his old dusty sony fm radio boom box and I put it on top of my dresser looking for radio stations. that's how discovered the love of my early life: Wild 94.9! man, I totally remember feelin so hood in Milpitas listening to "that's just the way it is" thinking about all the girls i had crushes on. I had so many feelings when I was a little kid! Whenever a good song was on, I remember running around trying to find a cassette to record songs and make mixtapes for cuties after which I'd lock the door and rock out til I was a sweaty mess. haha 90's one-hit power dance music that I cant remember the artists to: Another Night, Pump up the jam, 2 times, Rhythm of the Night...dag. NOSTALGIA.

- Sometimes when my dad and I were driving around in the old blue '87 nissan truck, the Let's Talk About Sex song would come on and I'd cover my mouth while my dad awkwardly changed the radio station. funny random memory.

- HAH! that super weird She Blinded Me With Science/Come on Eileen music mix infomercial! remember that? My first wtf moment...

- Lauryn Hill & Erykah Badu! got soul at an early age.

- BOYZ II MEN. MOTOWN. PERIOD.

- Backstreet boys: Around 4th grade, these guys hit the scene HARD. Back then, it wasn't weird for guys to give respect to the backstreet boys. Spiked hair, frosty tips, and middle-school dances have much thanks to give to these guys. then N'sync hit. I pretended to like them, but on the inside, I was (and still am) BSB til the day I die. real talk.

- Around 3rd grade, No Doubt released Tragic Kingdom - still one of my top favorite albums ever! Sunday Morning, Spiderwebs, Dont Speak, Tragic Kingdom...I remember sneaking the anti-shock CD player outside the house and walking the streets in my neighborhood listening to songs for hours.

- I think Ska/alternative reggae made its big inception around the mid 90's. Sugar Ray, Shaggie, Sublime, the feel good music I'd listen to in the car with my friend Chris Ha while our moms shopped at Nordstrom Rack.

Junior High:

- Backstreet Boys and N'Sync continued their reign of terror.

- Middle school dances were these rare events that might constitute some of the funnest times of my life! I remember when dance wasn't a big deal and people just had fun spazzing out without trying to look cool. I think I got in a circle and moved my feet as fast as I could and I'd get really sweaty and my friends were super impressed. YMCA and All My Life was huuuuge. The first dance I ever went to was in middle school and I asked a girl to dance for the first time to the tune of Never Had a Dream Come True by S club 7. One of those funny things that a guy remembers...

- I had this huge crush on this Japanese girl and I remember trying to find Japanese music so I could talk to her during lunch. I tried to memorize the lyrics to first love so we could sing it together. chilvalry, y'all. Turns out Japanese music aint half bad! M-Flo, Ayumi Hamasaki, Chemistry, and of course - Utada Hikaru.

- Got saved and truly started enjoying the pleasure of worshipping God! It was more than just singing songs and getting emotional; it was powerful in a way words cant really describe. Thank you Steven Curtis Chapman, Vineyard music, and others.

HIGH SCHOOL:

- Emo music was, and still is, a big influence on my life. Too many nights parked in the lot of my high school pondering lofty thoughts to the tune of Jimmy Eat World (probably my All-time favorite alternative band), Bright Eyes, Senses fail, Relient K, the Mars Volta, Taking Back Sunday, Saves the Day, New Starting Over, Rooney, Something Corporate, Avril Lavigne's early stuff, others. Driving to music became special to me: Many good times flooring it down rainbow avenue on my way to practice with the band in my grey dickies and small band tees.

- Got really into drums and joined wind ensemble, marching band pit & drum corps - one of the best choices I have made in my life. My band teachers like Doc and Tom Gierke taught me to appreciate technique and finesse. I remember walking into the band room and seeing the announcements on the white board, profanities on the music stands, and the stinky stale air in the percussion room. I really loved the sound of strings, brass and winds though - there is no other feeling quite like having hundreds of horns and woodwinds filling the air. I'm getting tingly just thinking about it! The sound and smell of the parking lot is still super fresh in my mind. After hours and hours of non-stop rudiments and warm-ups under the sun, I still have martian mambo on my ipod!

- The Postal Service came out and I remember thinking their music was really cool. sounds Nintendo-y!

- Joined jazz band and fell absolutely in love with it - the sound, the skill, the feeling! improvisation is hardcore. Jazz is probably still my favorite sound to date.

College:

- I started to stream music online pretty hardcore looking up random artists here and there on imeem. I found Damien Rice and started thinking of green fields, pretty scenery, ykno. coffee shop stuff. (Tangent: Seems like Indie music is no longer "Indie" - it's totally mainstream now! Nothing wrong with that though.) Rachael Yamagata, Iron & Wine, Bon Iver, many many others

- I got introduced to Bethel and IHOP music which I quickly learned to love. I remember seeing Chris Quilala's name for the first time and thinking "what the freak. quail-allah?" Still my favorite prayer music. something about it just opens up my heart and mind.

and the list goes on...here's to many more, 2010!