decipher that suckas. haha just kidding. you are awesome.
i run a habit of comparing myself to my own standards. this is not a good idea; it continues to end in disappointment or shame, but i am a work in progress. life usually is. i cant help but feel guilty if i pass up an opportunity or responsibility. makes me say to myself "i am an empty cup." and emptiness is not attractive. its nothing. its the absence of, devoid of pros and cons, a metaphor of apathy.
i can relate with Boris Kornfield, a man whose lifetime was seen as a failure because he gave up everything he had, and died for his faith.
"Boris Kornfield is the great paradox personified. a Jew who betrayed the faith of his fathers. a doctor whose years of training were senselessly wasted. A political idealist whose utopian vision led only to a barren siberian prison. in every one of these areas, Boris Kornfield was a failure - atleast in the world's system of values. yet God took that failure of a man and through his singleminded obedience used him to lead to Christ another who would go on to become a prophetic voice and one of the world's most influential writers for Kornield's words did their convincing, convicting work, touching what Solzhenitsyn (Kornfield's friend who turn to Jesus) referred to as "a sensitive chord." That was [Solzhenitsyn's] moment of spiritual awakening: 'God of the universe, I believe You again! though i renounced you, you will be with me,' he cried out. it was a spiritual transfusion - life taken from one man and pumped into another for God's sovereign purpose. and in his conversion Solzhenitsyn saw clearly the kingdom paradox. for in the emptiness of that Russian gulag, he perceived what pleasure-seeking millions in the abundance of Western life cannot. He wrote later, 'the meaning of earthly existence lies, not as we have grown used to thinking, in prospering, but in the development of the soul.' Kornfield's brief Christian life was lived in circumscribed circumstances, almost in isolation. In many ways it would seem that his decision not to sign the medical forms (that would kill hundreds of citizens), his reporting of the corrupt prison guard, even his few hours of testimony to a perhaps terminally ill patient were futile, would gain him nothing but that which came in the end - a brutal death at the hands of his captors. yet Kornfield's faith was strong, sure, and sincere. and somehow his fellow Christian (Solzhenitsyn) and the Holy Spirit had communicated one fact to him: what God demanded of him was obedience, no matter what. single minded obedience in faith. and that lesson of the russian doctor's life was my lesson at delaware: what God wants from His people is obedience, no matter the circumstances, no matter how unknown the outcome. it has always been this way. God calling his people to obedience and giving them - at best- a glimpse of the outcome of their effort...we might think of this divine pattern as cruel, but i am convinced that there is a sovereign wisdom to it. knowing how susceptible we are to success's siren call, God does not allow us to see, and therefore glory in, what is done through us. the very nature of the obedience He demands is that it be given without regard to circumstances or results... Sop obedience is the key to real faith - the unshakable kind of faith so powerfully illustrated by Job's life. Job lost his home, his family (except for a nagging wife), his health, even his hope. the advice friends was no help. no matter where he turned, he could find no answers to his plight. eventually he stood alone. But though it appeared God had abandoned him, Job clung to the assurance that God is who he says he is.. Job confirmed his obedience with those classic words of faith: 'though he slay me, yet will i trust in him' This is real faith: believing and acting obediently regardless of circumstances or contrary evidence. after all, if faith depended on visible evidence, it wouldn't be faith.... it is absurd to constantly seek new demonstrations of God's power, to expect a miraculous answer to every need, from curing ingrown toenails to finding parking spaces; this only leads to faith in miracles rather that the Maker [of miracles]. true faith depends not upon mysterious signs, celestial fireworks, or grandiose dispensations from a God who is seen as a rich, benevolent uncle; true faith, as Job understood, rests on the assurance that God is who he says he is."
i am accepting lies as my standard in life instead of relying on God's assurances. the ones that say that i am loved by him as a father loves his son, that he loves me so much that he'd die for me, and that he would never abandon me. when my heart trusts in those words, it excites me and gives me rest. i want faith that fills. a courage to completely trust in his words. his satisfying promise that redefines life on standards of truth instead of standards of self.
(God, i need you today and tomorrow more than i ever did)
