hello world.

Revealed

2011-01-24T01:10:00.001-08:00

The future stretches before me; behind, my shadow past.

There I'm standing on an edge between my twins, living between the slurs, sleeves, and crevices of my silhouette. A familiar, mysterious fellow.

Casting his arms out to the sky, hauling in the fresh sonlight, he whispers.

"Abba, reveal me! Tell me who I am!"

BangBangBang - Firing at will!

2011-01-14T22:18:00.000-08:00

Blog, I have not come at you in a while. I am so sorry - take me back?

Weeks seem like days, life is getting faster still!

My cubicle is not a prison, it's a slingshot.

There is much I want, very little that sustains.

The other day in the bathroom at work, this 40-something pulled his pants down in front of the garbage can and immediately realized the urinhol was on the left. I hope to the Lord that I am never that senile.

Listened to Jimmy Eat World's "23" (one of my all-time favorite contemplative songs) on my birthday, and it felt great in a quiet way.

The intimacy group I hang with really puts my feet back on the ground. Vinh, Alvin, Jon, Keone, Mari, Anna, Ching, you guys make me feel at home.

'scuse the gush - Dad, teach me how to be a true man and how to steer this wild heart of mine.

Wall street says its time to invest in some RMB. thinking about it....China is the future, and God is blowin UP in there.

I saw a hedgehog, baby deer, and baby fox on youtube the other day and immediately wanted all three. I now realize that stupid ideas become desires quickly when it involves furry forest creatures.

Music aint so mysterious afterall. We just love to think about it.

Holy crap! fat goes to your belly?! touche thanksgiving dinner/christmas dinner/new years dinner... who knew this day would come...

You have to fight for faith. you've got to.

You crazy young fool.

2010-09-29T20:21:00.000-07:00

And now I find myself far too complex a man to lose myself in life's simple pleasures. To play within the lines of being, rather than commentary. Just be, Brian. Just be! Put down the camera and just enjoy the view!

2010-09-04T12:37:00.000-07:00

I'm a worker, chasing an anointing reserved for lovers

My Asian identity and my faith

2010-06-05T05:14:00.000-07:00

One year ago, I could care less about Asia.

I mainly attribute it to the shared consciousness I shared with my Asian friends growing up of painful reprimands for low grades and an extremely materialistically-driven performance mindset (become a doctor, engineer, wealth = success, etc). It hurt me so much because as I grew up loving the arts alongside my artist grandfather who took care of me while my parents were working their silicon valley jobs. He's guide my hand through sketching exercises and I'd spend countless hours on our patio scribbling along the path of my mind's canvas. So when I faced the non-artistic expectations that my Asian heritage had so piously worshipped, I was deeply hurt. "Why can't I love math? Why do I love the arts? Why can't my passion for the arts extend into my profession?" My young head was filled with these sorts of frustrations.

To be more honest, I had little regard for my South Korean heritage. I detested the Korean homogeneous Burberry/Von Dutch/highlighted Asian perm images that seemed to define my ethnic background because they were signals saying "I am Korean." But I wasn't proud of my cultural values - it made me ashamed to identify myself as Korean. Whenever people asked me if I was Korean, I would say off-handedly that I was an "American" (except during the world cup. Korea was doin work). I took special pride in my western upbringing, my colorless ethnic identity; not "white," not quite Korean - I was an American. I never wished I was Caucasian; I just didn't like the idea of being categorized into an umbrella identity because all the stereotypes that came with these ethnic classifications seemed so fake. I just wanted to be real, to let people know that before I am a Korean-American, I am a human being. I guess this is part of the reason why I have a great deal of compassion for misunderstood people and counter cultures that defy cultural stereotypes (keep in mind - I dont like the idea of causing controversy for controversy's sake/ attention). I believed deeply in the social deviant's message: when you strip away everything, we all look the same - we're human beings.

To be fair, I'm not trying to champion a special commentary on race relations as if I were some expert (if there is truly is such a thing); I'm just sharing my experience. The reason I bring all this to the table is to underline my passionate respect and hunger for authenticity. I just wanted to be real with myself and others, and when possible, to spend time with real people likewise. I didn't want to fake my passion for the arts for the sake of upholding the Asian expectations from my heritage. I'm just deeply drawn to authentic people.

And this is a testimony to the power of God to change a stubborn heart for something greater than its own concerns:

Over the past year, there has been a change in my heart that I can't express. The best way I can describe it is that God had taken the thoughts, opinions, and preconceptions I had previously made and sculpted them towards the way he views Asia: beautiful. Though I had my doubts about Asian culture, there was a certain beauty that began to emerge in Asia that I loved: a passion and desire for an authentic encounter with God.

and authentic encounter!

The great thing about love is that it is by definition authentic. You can try to fake love for a while, but eventually, you can't because it is so costly to really love someone or something. You really have to purely adore and devote yourself despite any pain that may come along to something you truly love. The greater thing about love is God's ability to express it. I cant sum up the teeming expression in my spirit about how completely sweet, kind, patient, and pure God's love is, but I will say that upon seeing it through an up-close-and-personal relationship with him, understanding and basking in his love is so magnificently breath-taking, that it inspires and compels men to lay their lives down for it. I had my negative preconceptions about God formed by observing the painful christian hypocrisy that seemed so prevalent, but God broke through my pride and showed me who he really is - He is love. He is John 3:16. He is Corinthians 13. He is totally irresistible, pure, and attractive; authentic in every way. Before having a real relationship with God, I felt like a hammer trying to do a screw driver's work - something was out of place and I knew that I wasn't doing what I was made to do nor receiving any sense of fulfillment. But after making a decision to follow him wholeheartedly, I finally feel like I'm nailing it.

Sorry for the tangent, but it was important because as I watched videos of thousands of broken-hearted youth sprinting to the altar in Indonesia, hungry-for-more Taiwanese youth weeping in worship before the Lord, and many other striking images, I recognized that in their hearts, they felt the same lovely adoration and desire for God that I had felt in my most intimate moments with Him. I realized the sting of my pride and decided to lay it down as I finally saw the beautiful attraction to the Lord in my Asian brothers and sisters overseas. Many of these Asian countries are marked with turmoil and poverty, but their suffering had born good fruit in them - to hunger for the deeper things unreachable to the jade-hearted in the West. In my heart, I longed for the same thing to happen here in America, and I bore deep reverence for their spiritual hunger.

The contemporary stirrings in Burma, Thailand, China, N/S Koreas, Taiwan, Indonesia, and others are riddled with God's momentum. It excites me in a strange way, and for the first time ever, I can honestly say that I feel a longing to be there. I wish to be a part of what God is doing in these times, and I see him doing a wonderful thing in the hearts of the those in my motherland.

Lord, my heart burns for what you are doing in Asia! Thank you for making me Asian!

BJP

growing up, wanting more

2010-06-04T02:57:00.000-07:00

This space is collecting major dustage. I used to crank out 5 entries a month! and now I'm barely writing one. Man of few words? No - I'm just feeling pretty spent - the growing pains of graduation, full time employment, etc; my responsibilities are getting stacked. but I most not grow faint. must. keep. writing!

It's so easy to get your wings clipped here in America - I know this because I'm feeling the shears against my own feathertips. My friend Grace says that we "live in America off of credit" and this is true. When it's so easy to buy something with money we dont have, it's no wonder we say to ourselves "why not?"

But there's something much bigger at play here - bigger than just a simple spending problem. In our hearts, we have this vast empty space - a vacuumed emptiness constantly eating away at our content.

But this emptiness isn't a monster, it's a tune. It's a rhythm that we march to, dictating every step we take in life - every credit charge, every loan, every purchase.

I love the feeling of buying something new. There's something awesome about putting on a fresh new pair of jeans, setting up a new phone, or tuning up a new drumset. And the bigger the toy, the greater the joy. There's a certain car that I've set my eyes on recently. "Why not?" I asked myself, "I can afford it." I often imagine myself in it, cruising down the street in its pearly metallic frame - fully-loaded, fully bad-assed. My current car is what most people might call a major bag of suck - a double salvage title '02 Hyundai Accent (yeah, I know. Hyundai.). It hurts to look at its unpainted after-market bumper and dangling driver's side fender. It feels so wrong whenever I have to crank down my janky window or sheepishly ask the passenger to manually lock the door. like breaking a man-law. But at the end of the day, she is faithful in getting me from point A to point B. no major mechanical problems, just ugly as hell. Maybe this whole car thing is just my inner man crying out for a sick set of wheels.

Or maybe it's a hungry heart, crying out to be filled.

Professor says that consumerism is a mainstream trend in America. Appropriately named, we "consume" valuable goods to assimilate their worth, making them our own. We sign the multi-million dollar mortgages, sign up for more credit cards than we can handle, and fill our homes with more and more stuff - because of our fascination with the novelty of owning something valuble. We accept this habit because it's "necessary." We need to feel good. We need something to make the desire inside go away. But this story ends sadly - we become consumed by our own products. And pretty soon, our financial commitments to our lenders become ball and chain; Wing-clipped, empty-hearted bluebirds singing swan songs.

Not all the sex, money, nor achievements in all the world could fill the gaping hole in our heart. After all, its a hole in the HEART, not in the pocket.

As kids, we were given a few bucks to steward wisely. Not much as changed since then. Just the number of zeroes behind the paycheck. I remember posing for pictures as a child with my mushroom-top and gap-toothed smile as I stretched out a two-dollar bill in the air. But it wasn't the money that made me smile. It was my Dad standing proudly behind the camera.

With that, I leave you with one of the few profound and reliable statements I've written when I was a 16-year-old looking forward. His wisdom will be of much use to me.

"I believe the chief desire of every man is to be loved unconditionally, and after my long search, I have only found it within God who offers it freely and readily to those who will love him in return."

Stay young, give much, live FREE.

BJP

untitled

2010-05-18T03:37:00.000-07:00

a few notes I wrote to myself a while back. a great reminder with life moving as fast as it is right now.

"Write little, talk less, do more"

"Worry little, surrender less, dream bigger"

"Work little, dawdle less, focus harder"

hm.

relationship vs revelation

2010-04-28T02:08:00.000-07:00

Jesus comes to live through us, not because of revelation** but because of relationship - salvation is a relational experience more so than a conceptual lesson because it happens in real life.

so how can we as Christians - or "little Christs" - lead others to Jesus without establishing and cultivating a meaningful relationship with others? the relationship sets the soil for knowledge to enrich and grow understanding and through it the true teaching and reflection of the kingdom of God is understood. We must show and not explain God's qualities for someone to truly "get it".

First you must pierce the heart if you hope to reach the brain. And its ordered precisely so for a reason.

So who penetrates the heart - friend or teacher? Whose words carry the greater power? When you put the teacher hat on, the dynamic of your interpersonal relationships also changes; your relationship with others becomes centered on knowledge rather than intimacy. How easy is it to be intimate with a teacher? In the same way, for others to see Christ in us, we must become an experiential reflection of his heart and character.

One may gain an intrinsic insight into love through discussion, but it is deeply understood when it is experienced. For this reason, loving is central to the two greatest commandments because it becomes the conduit by which we enjoy and connect to the father's heart while also connecting others to Him.

Before we knew Him, we called Jesus teacher, but He called us beloved! Now we understand that He was always the lover of our soul - our bridegroom.

Relationship is central to the love that surpasses all knowledge. The kingdom is a fellowship, rather than a classroom understood relationally, not cognitively.

** [most Christian logic bears no sense to nonbelievers on all ends of the intellectual spectrum anyways since its deeper and logical revelations are incumbent upon an initial and leap of faith which is by nature, irrational and not easy to buy into.]

Untamed, Unbridled - the Wildman's heart

2010-03-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

Instinct - the mystic algorithm driving forth all living things to their inescapable destinies.

None escape except one - man.

Why does man yearn? Why does he feel, want, sing, order, build, destroy, kiss, and laugh? Why does he throw himself against the walls of his heart seeking the thimbles of adventure? Why does his heart fill him with feeling at all? Perhaps man's instinct is to use his brain, as many scholars suggest. They say that out of this intellectual instinct, men shape and make their own destinies. As if looking up in worship at a the shining hill and the silhouettes that engrave the noble heroic intellectual standing atop. They charge and challenge the limitations of our primal feebleness, seeking to understand all knowable things. "Yes!" they say "This is the meaning of life! to understand, to know, to be happy! The path of knowledge leads to the path of our utopia!"

but knowledge is a thing - neither good nor bad nor holding any truth in and of itself. Even today we sidestep the difficult questions left to man. The simple paradoxes of love, beauty, joy, justice, and truth.

We have a deeper yearning unfulfilled by centuries of brilliant understanding. Despite our heroic pursuit, we cannot escape that which was born in us and that which all other desires boil down to: a desire for a sense of fulfillment. I believe that fulfillment is a love that is patient, kind, trusting, hopeful, forgiving, generous, selfless, unboasting, unfailing. Without its sweetness, we will settle for lesser comforts - a lover's embrace, the power of distinction, the comfort of luxury.

All the while, the heart grows colder still.

In fact, the longer we settle and lie to our heart, we'll forget its voice. Its compass point is shrouded and demagnetized, our basic God-given understanding of what is good in life - truth, mercy, justice, compassion - of this we lose faith. Divulging into deeper complex politics and cynical philosophies, we justify genocide and other mad pursuits. There is a point of no turning back - when we leave behind the truth tugging at our conscience to become a"wise" fool.

Unconditional love - a rare and efficient common denominator by which all men - who indeed are still men - can know and understand. To recognize it, hunger for it, stand for its behalf, die for its fulfillment - these are worthy pursuits.

What a reckless desire we have! What an instinct that drives us forth! A burning passion more fiery than the surface of the sun and tempered than a blade! Instead of forging its flames, we solder it with feeble pursuits: Money, prestige, incomplete happiness, and other things that rot a man down to a withered and surrendered shadow of his former self. A clever trick, these cages that offers such safety, such death.

What does it mean to seek intellect if it affords man no filling of his soul? What wisdom is found in understanding if it only deepens the crevices of desire? The rising tides of applause and prestige ebbing at his monuments of pride can do nothing but rust and rot the faint beating of his starved heart. In fact, every droplet at the top of the skull down to the tip of the heart leans forth at the hint something much simpler - love.

What satisfaction is there in a hammer that doesn't build and the tape that doesn't measure? So too does the heart of man desire to be fulfilled. It was made and forged in the hands of God, created to be a mirror, taking in love and shining it out brilliantly.

If there is naivety and pain in this truth, I'd resign myself to it over and over. I'd rather go out in a mess of tears as a crucified lover than to rot away in the freezing lot of the regretful.

We have a brain, but we also have a heart filled with passion given to us by a father God who is not who most people say he is. The truth and deepest wisdom of this or any age cannot be bought or earned - it is paid for with the price of hunger. You don't need to be smart by social standards to be wise.

The wise man hears in the night what his heart is saying, and runs after it at the dawn.

THE need.

2010-02-24T19:57:00.001-08:00

I am sorely convinced that every single need boils down to THE one need: true love, and love in its most complete forms is all these things: physical, emotional, spiritual.

Without a sincere embrace, we'll take the sex.

Without a friend, we'll settle for six.

Without adventure, we'll find someone else.

Without affirmation, we'll settle for applause.

Without hearing "you're beautiful," we'll seek the mirror.

Without grace, we'll have vengeance.

Without truth, we'll build theory.

Without Jesus, we're resigned to all of the above.

Every force on Earth stands governed by principles unseen.

Can you give it to them?

a rending of heart on things "uncool"

2010-01-29T02:44:00.001-08:00

Optimism: when life buries you in a massive pile of crap, hoping for the best may be the only prayer you have to go on. I hear stories of victims buried in rubble who asphyxiate themselves from panicking out of fear of never being found moments before rescuers arrive on scene. It's not just naivety or simplemindedness to be optimistic. It's a pragmatic regard for a bitter truth: to make it, you have to be willing to hope for things that aren't promised.

Marriage: people used to be excited about getting married and I miss that. all that's left is a cold sweat and a bitter taste: marriage just seems to be one big disappointment. Marriage itself is not the problem - marriage can be a sweet thing. When you're deep in love, there's nothing you'd want more than to spend the rest of your life with that person. The whole commitment-complex thing isn't even on your mind because you are so wildly in love. In fact, its most liberating to look into someone's eyes and let them peer into your soul with a promise that says "you are the only one for me."

And that is precisely why marriages have become the unfortunate formality it is today - it no longer holds it's sacred promise because few can wield the power of such weighty words. It's hard to honestly say - or at least to convince someone - that we're committed when we carry the physical and emotional luggage of lovers past. The quintessential virgin of body and heart is a secret kept from the reckless of heart. In fact, I'd venture to say that abstinence isn't lame at all. It's a diamond in the rough - a sign of someone who's said their share of "no's" to make their "yes" so much more worth it. It gives you something that you can - and should - give someone only once: a promise.

"I know who you are. I love you, and I always will." Everyone deserves to hear that from someone.

Beginning a new journey

2010-01-13T18:22:00.000-08:00

2010! what a big fat number!

I'm a few months from graduation. it seems so distant, but I've come to realize that most of life's little polaroids come and go, escaping into ebb and flow of yesterday. Sometimes, if you're hungry enough, you can catch the details of the moment you're living and the path up ahead.

My path has changed - it's risky, inglorious, hostile, uncelebrated, and hopeful. I feel like I'm following Mr. Frost down the cutesey little path less traveled upon, except it looks more the corridor to Mordor. Still, I don't think i'd ever be able to forgive myself if i didnt take this hike.

I've been living my life like a formula: so long as I show up for class, do good work, and plug into stuff that makes my resume look nice, life will do all the work for me. I'll be successful - earning the approval of others in the form of wages, prestige, and realizing every asian mother's dream for their kid. For years i've been a faithful zombie to the institution - tuning in, tuning out, and trading passion for obedience. since my dream-filled childhood days, I've turned my ear from the yearnings of my heart to the teachings of scared men, but i'm beginning to hear the familiar ringing once again. It's reality, and it's got a long overdue voice message waiting to speak some life into my "life."

I suppose now would be a good time to say what exactly it is that is weighing so heavily on my heart- I'm likely to deviate from a long-term career in finance towards a long-term career in creative writing (preferably film producing/screen writing or in e-journalism). Seeing what i thought i wanted for the past 22 years of my life lying in front of me has helped me to realize that it's not really what i want. The money, the status, and trying to convince myself that i loved what i was doing was not really what i loved wasn't worth it. This is an especially difficult choice to me because I'll be going in a totally different direction in to an incredibly competitive industry which is in the the experiencing the worst turmoil it has ever historically experienced.

At the end of the day, I just want to weave a warmer fabric into society and leave this world admitting to myself honestly that I've made bared fruit on Earth in a true, meaningful way. maybe that sounds altruistic and naive, but maybe in this crazy world, you have to be if you want to make it.

I dont want to mindlessly plaster crosses and edifices of Jesus across cable television, but i believe that there is a timeless message on God's heart that satisfies the desire of all people - or at least those who are hungry for spiritual authenticity. God has placed this huge burden on my spirit to translate his relevant heart and message through the media in a way that breathes life into society instead of merely trying to suck out its dollars. the pattern of life seems to be a vicious circular one consisting of mankind chasing various ways to fill a mysterious hole in their hearts. my desire is to identify that hole as Jesus Christ and to fill it with his love and truth as He done faithfully for me over the past 10 brilliant years.

-phew-

I feel like Neo when he emerges from the matrix - a naked, discombobulated, and soggy mess, awakening to a seemingly alien fantasy (though nothing could be farther from the truth). Escaping from the rat race, i took a step back to investigate what really it was that ignited my passion. It didn't take me long before I realized that I loved to write even in my spare time because for its nature as a skill medium that allows for my true passion for creative expression.

Writing (to me) is just one marvelous stream of expression in a unique color. It's an undeniable need that God birthed in us - this desire to feel, express, respond, and experience the world around us in a way that extends beyond a mere thought experiment. to me, writing is feeling your way around the world with your words. Writers aren't always parting their hair whilst sitting beneath willows, ambling over moleskins with fountain pens. however, all writers skillfully and linguistically navigate their mind - and sometimes even their heart. my two cents from the bottom of my favorite pair.

More or less, I'm not resolving to make a different career choice as I am a way of life. I want to look people in the eye and speak my mind without wavering. I'm drowning out the accusing self-awareness that cripples me behind the dangerous lines of safety. I'm dancing on my way to class or in the isles of the frozen food section because it makes me happy. I want to chase after the woman holding my heart with chivalrous desire. I'm just seeking to live life passionately. I believe doing so is a noble and superior pursuit worthy of leaving behind the comfort so fiercely desired by reason.

I guess I leave myself with one question that I'm still feeling out: Is this detour from the path sending me down to a road to ruin? Is this wrong-turn really wrong?

Perhaps not. It just might be a diamond in the rough; a good story without an ending; a sleeve of life better left un-hemmed.

I'm banking on it!

Musical Nostalgia

2010-01-03T00:37:00.000-08:00

I got range!

Elementary school:

- I remember when my dad gave me his old dusty sony fm radio boom box and I put it on top of my dresser looking for radio stations. that's how discovered the love of my early life: Wild 94.9! man, I totally remember feelin so hood in Milpitas listening to "that's just the way it is" thinking about all the girls i had crushes on. I had so many feelings when I was a little kid! Whenever a good song was on, I remember running around trying to find a cassette to record songs and make mixtapes for cuties after which I'd lock the door and rock out til I was a sweaty mess. haha 90's one-hit power dance music that I cant remember the artists to: Another Night, Pump up the jam, 2 times, Rhythm of the Night...dag. NOSTALGIA.

- Sometimes when my dad and I were driving around in the old blue '87 nissan truck, the Let's Talk About Sex song would come on and I'd cover my mouth while my dad awkwardly changed the radio station. funny random memory.

- HAH! that super weird She Blinded Me With Science/Come on Eileen music mix infomercial! remember that? My first wtf moment...

- Lauryn Hill & Erykah Badu! got soul at an early age.

- BOYZ II MEN. MOTOWN. PERIOD.

- Backstreet boys: Around 4th grade, these guys hit the scene HARD. Back then, it wasn't weird for guys to give respect to the backstreet boys. Spiked hair, frosty tips, and middle-school dances have much thanks to give to these guys. then N'sync hit. I pretended to like them, but on the inside, I was (and still am) BSB til the day I die. real talk.

- Around 3rd grade, No Doubt released Tragic Kingdom - still one of my top favorite albums ever! Sunday Morning, Spiderwebs, Dont Speak, Tragic Kingdom...I remember sneaking the anti-shock CD player outside the house and walking the streets in my neighborhood listening to songs for hours.

- I think Ska/alternative reggae made its big inception around the mid 90's. Sugar Ray, Shaggie, Sublime, the feel good music I'd listen to in the car with my friend Chris Ha while our moms shopped at Nordstrom Rack.

Junior High:

- Backstreet Boys and N'Sync continued their reign of terror.

- Middle school dances were these rare events that might constitute some of the funnest times of my life! I remember when dance wasn't a big deal and people just had fun spazzing out without trying to look cool. I think I got in a circle and moved my feet as fast as I could and I'd get really sweaty and my friends were super impressed. YMCA and All My Life was huuuuge. The first dance I ever went to was in middle school and I asked a girl to dance for the first time to the tune of Never Had a Dream Come True by S club 7. One of those funny things that a guy remembers...

- I had this huge crush on this Japanese girl and I remember trying to find Japanese music so I could talk to her during lunch. I tried to memorize the lyrics to first love so we could sing it together. chilvalry, y'all. Turns out Japanese music aint half bad! M-Flo, Ayumi Hamasaki, Chemistry, and of course - Utada Hikaru.

- Got saved and truly started enjoying the pleasure of worshipping God! It was more than just singing songs and getting emotional; it was powerful in a way words cant really describe. Thank you Steven Curtis Chapman, Vineyard music, and others.

HIGH SCHOOL:

- Emo music was, and still is, a big influence on my life. Too many nights parked in the lot of my high school pondering lofty thoughts to the tune of Jimmy Eat World (probably my All-time favorite alternative band), Bright Eyes, Senses fail, Relient K, the Mars Volta, Taking Back Sunday, Saves the Day, New Starting Over, Rooney, Something Corporate, Avril Lavigne's early stuff, others. Driving to music became special to me: Many good times flooring it down rainbow avenue on my way to practice with the band in my grey dickies and small band tees.

- Got really into drums and joined wind ensemble, marching band pit & drum corps - one of the best choices I have made in my life. My band teachers like Doc and Tom Gierke taught me to appreciate technique and finesse. I remember walking into the band room and seeing the announcements on the white board, profanities on the music stands, and the stinky stale air in the percussion room. I really loved the sound of strings, brass and winds though - there is no other feeling quite like having hundreds of horns and woodwinds filling the air. I'm getting tingly just thinking about it! The sound and smell of the parking lot is still super fresh in my mind. After hours and hours of non-stop rudiments and warm-ups under the sun, I still have martian mambo on my ipod!

- The Postal Service came out and I remember thinking their music was really cool. sounds Nintendo-y!

- Joined jazz band and fell absolutely in love with it - the sound, the skill, the feeling! improvisation is hardcore. Jazz is probably still my favorite sound to date.

College:

- I started to stream music online pretty hardcore looking up random artists here and there on imeem. I found Damien Rice and started thinking of green fields, pretty scenery, ykno. coffee shop stuff. (Tangent: Seems like Indie music is no longer "Indie" - it's totally mainstream now! Nothing wrong with that though.) Rachael Yamagata, Iron & Wine, Bon Iver, many many others

- I got introduced to Bethel and IHOP music which I quickly learned to love. I remember seeing Chris Quilala's name for the first time and thinking "what the freak. quail-allah?" Still my favorite prayer music. something about it just opens up my heart and mind.

and the list goes on...here's to many more, 2010!

Absolute necessity of faith

2009-12-18T20:45:00.000-08:00

Whatever you choice you make, run with it.

Run with all the volition your hungry spirit can afford.

When disbelieving pessimism finds a way in, look back into the eyes of the Lord - hear Him say your name.

Never stop running, Brian!

Raymond Carver and Highlighters

2009-12-04T18:14:00.001-08:00

Raymond Carver is a writer. not a writer. a writer! not that i'm trying to talk about him like he's some kind of basketball star or larger-than-life personality.

HOWEVER, the frame of reality in his head and whatever experiences he's lived through fuel his pen quite well. i dont know if i like his stories that much (the message, etc), but some of the words he puts together say more than the sum of their parts.

i have this pink highlighter that i really like (the "Exclaim!" brand). its noticeably good. when you press it down on paper, the dopamine storehouses in the brain release slightly (maybe not that good. but it's noticeably awesome). i remember using it for the first time and saying "whoa." it's GOOD, okay?

the one and only thing i hate about all highlighters is how much ink they release. it annoys me when highlighters bleed through thin paper. thank you for your generosity highlighter, but please stop releasing giant, obnoxious, hot-pink pools of ink everywhere.

I'm not even sure why i'm writing about this. sorry if you wanted something that shifted your paradigm (but you wouldnt be looking for that here, would you?)

(if you are... I am both flattered and sorry. haha)

All or Nothing or a Regretful inbetween

2009-11-29T23:53:00.001-08:00

I am now thoroughly convinced that anything worth having in life requires considerable risk.

If nothing is uncertain, there is no need to hope for it has already been granted. Only in dark times does hope reveal itself as a desperate, beautiful foothold - a bittersweet duality.

With nothing to lose, you must bet it all on HOPE!

Thanksgiving 09

2009-11-27T01:46:00.000-08:00

No amount of frills, originality, fancy words, or anything in between comes close to an honest and unashamed confession straight from the heart.

that said, I'm remembering and giving thanks for my life in its kitschy - but honest - assortment of the places and people of which its been made. I thank the Lord for the heaven and even the hell i've been through and how the ironic harmony of their parts sum up my colorful existence.

Friends and "enemies", family and strangers, I raise my glass to you - thank you for being the wind in my sails and the current on my voyage.

Beginning of the end: Thoughts from a college senior

2009-11-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was a kid, I had always wondered where I'd be when I "grow up"

The years have gone by and I'm nearly there, but am I really where I thought I'd be? a little older - sure. a little wiser? barely. hungry to make a difference? yes.

I really do believe in my heart that we can make a world of a difference at the workplace no matter what occupation we're in. it might not be a worldwide difference, but we can make a world of a difference to somebody, and I believe that is a beautiful thing

But why is it that I still want more? I want to make more of a difference. I want to change the world. I'm walking on a fine line between being concerned and unhealthily obsessive. Maybe its the pressures of being a college senior and having to make a choice of whether or not to go in an unknown direction.

Do you ever feel that God created you for more than what you're living for? Sometimes I wonder if the pieces of which I am made are really cut out for the defense industry or not. Should I make a jump into a totally different risky field?

Maybe I'm over thinking, but I can't help but want to start my career in the right direction. who really knows anyway, maybe I have to take three lefts to make a right.

And right when I get stressed, confused, lost, frustrated, pressured, worried, I remember the verse that smooths out the forehead wrinkles:

In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. proverbs 16:9

-phew- that is good news.

God of Justice - Tim Hughes

2009-11-08T14:46:00.001-08:00

God of Justice, Saviour to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served

Jesus, You have called us
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in everyway
Walking humbly before You God

You have shown us, what You require
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give

Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out Lord

Murphy's law came true today

2009-11-03T18:54:00.000-08:00

Rant time!

I don't know who writes the course descriptions in the university general catalog. It's probably some evil dude. like that red devil/lobster/demon-in-high heels from powderpuff girls (...not that I watch powderpuff girls...)

These misleading course descriptions make classes sound so interesting and great yet believable, but EVERY time, it is an utter disappointment. UTTER disappointment.

Last year, I took a computer gaming studies class hoping to maybe have fun for once playing video games for an easy A. Boy was I wrong. The class was the most boring, pointless, and painful class ever. It was like going to the dentist - I hated it. We had incredibly complex and impractical readings and my TA was some napoleon dynamite scrub who never read any of the readings and talked out of his butt. I would rather scratch my nads with poison ivy. I would rather have my dexterity-deficient mom mine the ear wax from my ear with a bamboo toothpick. I would rather watch Mall Cop five times in a row. UNFORGIVABLE!

We had to play final fantasy 11 for a class assignment and at first it's like "whoa, that sounds cool. I dont really like Dungeons and Dragons/ fantasy RPG's, but They made final fantasy 7,8,9,10, right? How bad could it be? this game is going to be sick. I cannot wait to get home to play this game. I cant believe I'm going to be graded for playing games. life is awesome." - eengh! - WRONG. This is the worst game ever. I would rather lick a hairy mushroom. What a terrible game this was. The freakin video game character cant even run at an acceptable rate. After patiently waiting for 5 hours to install the game and make my username (cutelilladybug), I found myself in this huge monster-infested desert with no clue as how to get a weapon or something. Seriously, it was like taking a puppy straight from the womb, covering it in chum, and throwing it into a tank full of hungry sharks. It took me over 30 minutes to get from one area to another. But when you're a heroic level 1 warrior running like Chris Farley, who can blame you? To get an A on the the game assignment, you have to achieve certain goals and give a log of it to the professor. wow. He might as well have asked the class to run a 4-minute mile. the only certain thing about achieving the goals was that they were certainly impossible. How the freak are you supposed to kill 10 monsters - who are just as strong as you are by the way - all by yourself? ridiculous! The only way I could survive was to be a coward and hit the monster once while running away as it got PO'ed and chased me - AND THEY ARE RELENTLESS. If you hit-and-run long enough, eventually, you can kill it, but c'mon, why does killing a little desert rabbit take forever? How the hell does that make sense anyway? A killer desert rabbit?! C'MON! My character is a giant ogre WITH A SWORD! And you're going to tell my virtual loved-ones that a desert rabbit is responsible for my death?! UNFORGIVABLE!

If you cant run away from the monsters by yourself (which is more often that not) you have to fight them by yourself. That means your friends who want to heal you and beat the crap out of the little mofo can do nothing but watch you die a slow and pitiful death at the hands of a desert rabbit. The game designers obviously know nothing about da hood. In da hood, yo bruddaz back you up all day, 'ey-day! but I guess that's no surprise considering you are a virtual elf/ogre/warrior-babe who cant even defend yourself from a infant rodents. what a joke. I dont believe in violence, but someone needs to keep it real and act a foo on the dipsticks who made this terrible game!

phew.

so I was going to rant about how I didnt get to finish my midterm today for an elective class that sounded interesting from the catalog but turned out to be a complete disappointment, but I think that's enough for today. oh yeah, and I didnt do well on a midterm I got back today from last week. and I saw a completely naked frontal area of a 30-something year old asian dude in the men's locker room today at the gym. blegh.Truly, a Murphy's Law day.

Somebody show some love!

Psalms

2009-10-24T00:44:00.001-07:00

Lord give these hands rest instead of the work they seek

take away the hammer and nail

place them in the in yours

When the great day comes, I don't want to relent nor hesitate

I want to abandon all

I want to run to your arms as a love sick son

Let my soul not be fooled nor cultured

but may i always remember my true home,

amongst your colonnade and warmth

I was made to come back to you, we are close

I am yours, closer still.

I am your fragile jewel! A fine pearl upon your throne!

your precious thing. a rose in the hands of an almighty savior God

A sweet fragrance to a king

there is life in the desert though it is dry

your voice echoes through its valleys

A sweeping bloom of lavender cover its surface,

the bride is renewed. the garden - restored.

On becoming rats

2009-10-19T04:07:00.000-07:00

Ennio Morricone's "Deborah's Theme" shirks through the plastered speakers of phonographs long forgotten by digital ears.

Its turntable belies a beautiful, smooth mahogany shell - a proud memoir of an age of craftsmen and their skilled trade before the machine took their work.

The work was faithful. short-lived, but faithful. With its share of drudgery and excitement sprinkled in between, the passion eventually became duty - a sweet, rotten cake, beyond any worker's appetite.

Laid off and let go, they file out of the factory bidding strange goodbyes, silently rubbing pennies with well-worn hands inbetween corduroy pockets. They left all they'd ever known, they'd never been so free, yet so captive to insecurity.

"What now? Where do I go? What purpose do I serve?" they ask themselves. Indeterminate beings never knowing themselves, always asking inconclusive questions after having placed their weighty eggs in a paper basket.

What a shame! Such good men thinking silhouettes of themselves. Chasing one desire after the next, but never feeling full. All the while thinking themselves wiser for it. Though deep within, a voice- a child's voice - their voice calls out. It knows life was meant for more than this - more than this rat race. The bitterness of rat's bane is a cup for all who run its race; the unwavering aftertaste of regret and disappointment.

Though tragic, there can be no exception to the mysterious course of nature. Ever sowing, ever reaping. No surprises here. Even tender, passionate children can become disillusioned rats; all flesh - given enough time and morose - sags.

All who are hungry, let them eat. All who are thirsty, let them drink. Chase not after things unfulfilling, but always after the fountain of life.

ASDFGHJKL

2009-10-17T02:13:00.000-07:00

Spill, spill, spill

Pour, pour, pour

The hungry words - with their spindly, delicate, ugly, little black verdana legs - scurry forth from the impatient flashing text cursor onto the inadequate text box to the tune of my chubby sausage finger's clickety-clack.

Experiences become thoughts become words become lost-in-translation blog posts. fiddlesticks.

Composition! What a crass sensual tension. What an ups!de-down joke.

poor, poor, pour from the pores of my imagination.

Overflow harvesting at UCSD

2009-10-07T02:09:00.000-07:00

In my heart, there is a secret place to which only God and I know the way. There I find rest and paradise for my soul – to rest in the affection and joy of Jesus, forever finding shameless intimacy. Out of this river overflows an unquenchable desire to chase his heart. It is a light yoke – easy, attractive, and full of peace. One upon which we need not strive for validation by what we accomplish, but one by which we may powerfully obey as a fruit of love.

Kim Walker says that when we encounter the love of God, we're never the same. It is the cry of my heart for God to pour out that ancient promise over our fellow students; to turn the heart of our nation back to him; to see every heart, mind, and soul at UCSD captivated by Christ. To receive mercy instead of justice; to receive transformation instead of what we deserve.

When I connect with God's heart, I can't help having a passion for what he is passionate about - the harvest. Jesus also calls us to be careful and wise in how we live, making the most of every opportunity. I believe the college campus is an unbelievable opportunity. I also believe that it is no accident that we, as college students, have ended up precisely where we are via happenstance. Every divine fiber in our destiny has been intertwined and carefully woven to herald the moment we are living in now - a moment in which we must choose to survive timidly or thrive passionately.

I know a beautiful truth in which I place my hope and faith: God desires to partner with imperfect people to perfect his work. When the accuser thrusts shame upon my heart, I am sustained and refreshed in the hope of God - that my life has a great purposeful work to be revealed and that I have been given authority to do it. I can do all things in Him who strengthens me for we did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but we have received the spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba, Father!". His spirit is the sole source of transformational holiness, and I have faith that he pours it out freely to his every single one of his faithful to this very day.

Though I wrestled thoroughly with the theological validation and soundness of student-led simple churches, it became increasingly clear that a brilliant (though man-made) strategy and infrastructure cannot supplant the holiness and obedience by which harvests are reaped. Through student-led simple churches, the word comes to life in relevant and life-changing ways bringing forth the living waters to every member of the body because they so deeply require complete dependence on God. In the simplicity of an intimate setting, guards are dropped, lives are exposed, and real-talk resounds. Where resources lack, the Spirit provides. Where theology divides, Godly obedience unifies. Where there is dependence on God, there is power. By handing over the reins to the Lord, the long due fruit finally ripens and we make space for the heavenly gardener to do only what He can.

I see God connecting the lines and uniting the living body parts. He is courting a generation to fall so in love with him that all it wants is more and more of Him. They do not care about owning a movement of God or taking credit as so many with power have already done. Because they are so incredibly head-over-heels for God and his heart for the nations, they simply want to obey – even if it means being forgotten. They don’t care because they already have the best thing – the easy yoke – the love of a savior king.

Children do not forget the love of their father, and all other shiny things pale in comparison to Him. Their love is too fixated on Him; their eyes are still.

Essential Silliness

2009-09-18T01:24:00.000-07:00

Peter: I still have no idea what to write.

Mr. Barry: Write about anything! Write about your family. Write about the talking whale.

Peter: What whale?

Mr. Barry: The one that's trapped in your imagination and desperate to get out.

(Excerpts from Finding Neverland)

Writing

2009-09-13T23:57:00.000-07:00

When I get frustrated, I write. sometimes here, sometimes in a journal. Not for glory or to shake a fist. In fact, it's the opposite of an attempt to find approval, self-worth, or any other redemptive quality. The pacifying essence of writing is its introspective nature - the ability for man to look into his soul and throw his thoughts against the walls of his heart in complete silence where no one is watching. All of this is - or should be - done to humble himself; a literary soliloquy to root oneself in truth in the midst of the chaos of society.

Things that girls do that are hilarious

2009-09-08T23:31:00.001-07:00

1) The kick stand. I heard this from somewhere (Dane Cook?) but its the truth: girls always do this. They pop their hip and turn their opposing foot to its side while placing hands firmly at each hip bone. add the head tilt and you got the whole package.

I rest my case.

2) The scoff. follow these simple instructions: first, tilt you head down so your chin rests on your chest. then open your mouth in an 'o' shape. then squint. then scoff. and boom - there you have it: "the scoff." sometimes they scoff while smiling. but thats only if another girl slaps them on the butt. or if they do something scaaaandelous!

3) Practiced poses and smiles. This is perhaps the most hilarious of all female hilariousness. You girls think you are so sly with your cute and fine-tuned smiles but I KNOW! you cannot fool all of us! We know you sit in front of the mirror and practice different faces saying to yourself, "oh, this one is cute" and memorizing your muscle structure! We know you spend 5 hours rehearsing your smile for your profile picture! Like Bob Marley says, "you can fool some people some of the time, but you cannot fool ALL the people ALL the time!" sometimes on facebook, if you look at "view pictures of so-and-so," you can catch the posers. just find a pictures in series of a girl taking pictures with her gal pals at a club or something. if you switch back and forth really fast, you might be able to see something like this:

granted these are exaggerations and there are some girls who dont give into these hilarious temptations, thare are many many girls who do - and will never cease to supply me with a good, quiet chuckle.

I salute you, hilarious girls.

Surfing: chapter one in my quest to become a "bro"

2009-09-07T23:35:00.000-07:00

I've have this fat list of things I want to do before I graduate (another post for another time) and whipping it into shape has been a long time coming. Surfing has always been pretty up there. After talking about it with some friends about committing, I finally took the plunge and bought my first board on friday - the best decision i've made all summer!

Ater hours of research on forums and youtube that went well into the early hours friday morning (i slept about 2 hours before work) I finally found the board I wanted! i searched craigslist and there it was: a 6'4'' Piranha modern quad fish by Rusty surf company - check it out here. All day at work, I couldn't think of anything else but getting out there on the waves on this rocket ship.

There she is! (the board. haha.)

I was so happy when I bought it. There's something cool about buying a surfboard because it realizes some of the crazy things that you had always wanted to do but never followed through with because of some seemingly reasonable excuse. and doing some of those crazy things, even if other people thing is stupid, is a joyous and liberating feeling because for once, you listen to your heart. I remember having this huge smile as I tucked this sweet baby into my car while driving off to the sweet sounds of incubus.

Sick piranha detail

surf wax courtesy of Mr. Zogs, el perverto.

Right after I bought it, I drove over to La Jolla shores with some friends to give it its maiden voyage. It was a perfect day: beautiful sunset, super warm water, and good friends to enjoy it with. after paddling out, I caught my first wave in what could have been the most alive I had felt in a while; I couldn't stop myself from yelling at the top of my lungs amidst the breaking waves and seafoam. It's a strange feeling being ashore because everything is so still and foreign to what its like constantly adjusting your balance to the waves. the thrill and rush of cruising on top of a wave really made me realize how much i've been missing out on and how an entire surf culture could come from one simple yet enthralling pleasure: riding waves.

soggy and dizzy from the waves, I thanked God for creating waves and for blessing me with the affordability to have a surfboard. I felt like a kid when our father in heaven bought me this sweet board. its like going to a candy store. hahah no but really, thank you Jesus.

The next day, Vinh's uncles invited us to paddle out with them on sunday morning @ Torrey pines beach. They said it was a good place for beginners. psh. they were so wrong. check this out:

We got totally owned. Got this sucka as I was paddling out; my board got away from me as a huge wave came in and when i surfaced, the board surfaced under me and one of the fiberglass fins freakin uppercutted me in the chin. It hurt like a mother and started bleeding a lot. if you dont already know, I've have a huge fear of sharks. They can smell a drop of blood from a mile away, so as a service to myself and the other surfers, I beached my beat up arse on shore and threw in the towel. Just to be clear: I am a total noob. Never been surfing, never took a lesson, just played around on a friend's longboard one time and thought it was a good idea. which it was and still is. You just gotta deal with the risks.

Waves can be really powerful even if it's "just water" and there is a clear a limit to what you can attempt and what will hand you and your butt over to the waves for a good beating. it's a challenge to just get off the shores because the waves freakin pound you into a pulp. When the waves break and crash, they drag you down and you can't breathe until it decides to let go of you and spit you back up. Sometimes, waves come in spurts, so you get pulled under over and over again.

Getting caught in spin cylces is pretty freaky because you never know when you come up and most of the time, you dont have enough time to take a deep breath before you go under. note to fellow land lubbers: surfing is a challenge. If you've ever thought "ooh~ surfing looks really fun and easy! hee hee hee!" NO. this is no tea party. you really gotta commit and stick it out when you get cold and when the salt water fills your stomach. but it is sooooo worth it. my bad if this is freaking you out. At the end of the day, its a great feeling being out there with just you and the ocean.

What would I be without surf talk? allow me to introduce you to some funny surf lingo:

kook - noun: an idiot. that's it.

lip - noun: the curved edges of a wave that develops at the end of a swell and eventually crashes down.

barrel - noun: the cylindrical space inbetween a falling wave and the upwelling that you surf through

pitted - adj: used to describe when surfers get pressured closer and closer into the walls of a wave because of the decreasing space in its barrel (see barrel)

whapah! - see video below. there are no words to describe...

then watch this:

til next time...hang loose! :-)

a hunger that satisfies

2009-08-29T04:20:00.000-07:00

Lord, show me how to love people the way you did. Untainted, pure, and blameless; a form of love that transcends the sliminess of religious ways and tugs at a stubborn chord in our hearts - the shining hope deep within us to have you in our hearts completely.

Silence my words and open my arms! teach me to hear and obey! To subdue my tongue but to preach at all times! to use words only when necessary! Lord, we know it isnt meant to be difficult so re-program us to realize it!

Jesus, Renew my mind to continue to run and stand for what you hung for even when i feel most ashamed of myself. remind us that forgiven pasts are no longer held against us, but that we have freedom to share your love with others even when we feel like hypocrites. free us from the fear of failure; to understand that your sacrifice deserves more than a feeble attempt, but to still feel worthy in your arms at the end of the day.

Lord, dismantle our plans and revert our attention to your love for us. to set that as the cornerstone upon which we build your kingdom.

Jesus, teach us to love and be loved!

Midnight thoughts II: The Widow's offering

2009-08-24T23:50:00.000-07:00

"And he sat down opposite the treasury and watched the people putting money into the offering box. many rich people put in large sums. And a poor widow came in and put in two small copper coins, which made a penny*. And he called his disciples to him and said to them, "Truly I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. for they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on."

Jesus! Teach us to entrust you with more than we can afford! Give us a heart like yours!

* two lepta, which make a kodrantes; a kodranteds (latin quadrans) was a Roman copper coin worth about 1/64 a denari (which was a day's wage for a laborer).

**note: tithing's historical purpose - regardless of its current nature - was to support the spreading of the gospel and to bolster philanthropic and fellowship-oriented church efforts

Midnight thoughts

2009-08-24T01:47:00.000-07:00

If I could rip out my heart and pour out its words to you, my fellow reader, it would be that God is not so much a riddle as He is an answer - an answer to the sojourned longing of your heart.

If I had only seconds to live, I'd yell and shout and wheeze and proclaim that Christianity is not intellectual suicide nor a crutch for the weak, but that I have never felt stronger and more certain in my life about what truth is and that there is a good father-God who pens it.

I hope this sinks deep and transcends this blog.

Sunday afternoon in La Jolla

2009-08-09T16:22:00.001-07:00

Wrestle my way out of bed, fumble my way through an old wrinkly tee, and wash the ugly from my face. Turning the corner from the tiled bathroom floor, I catch the following sight:

There's a neat line of japanese yews leading out from the pale french paneled doors. As always, they exhale: deeply, slowly, thoughtfully. Thereby the chorus sweeps through the neighborhood; a brambly arpeggio of oaks and evergreens sitting comfortably in my ear.

There's a knot in the wind and it's rolling restlessly through my halls. I hope it stays forever - I wouldn't mind.

I step outside and the pea gravel tustles through my toes; they are cold, and refreshing. They plaster a grey caulky chalk underneath my feet. The flagstone canvas is stamped with these earthen footprints.

grab the green pillow. curl up on the couch. stare at the sky. Thank God that I'm alive.

Zoning out never felt more like tuning in.

4 things at midnight

2009-07-30T00:35:00.000-07:00

There are many things I want and many things I dont need. Knowing the difference is halfway to freedom. And I'm not just talking about the tangibles...

When I have kids, I want to love my children the same way my mom and dad love me.

You're a vegetable in the matrix when you're consumed by the grind, but the catch is that you don't know it; everyone needs a morpheus to unplug them.

I want to stay young and hungry at heart forever, even when the white hairs don't say so. I never want to lose sight of what is truly important.

Longings of the Human Heart

2009-07-06T02:37:00.000-07:00

I have work in about three hours but I can't fall asleep. In fact, I spend about 30-50 minutes every night trying to fall asleep as I say to myself "man. what a waste of time."

but anyway...

"Achievement"- in my opinion - is one of the heaviest words in the English dictionary because it makes you ask yourself if you've done something good with your life. A lot of people spend years in velvety armchairs pondering the the measure of a 'good' life, but it seems redundant to do so because its not something that is understood in theory, but in practice. There's so much more to the ride than its physics: it's the thrill and adventure that makes it worth riding at all.

Somewhere in the humdrum of modern American mediocrity, the sweetness of that thrill is lost.

The domestication of the postmodern man's imagination leads sets off an alarm that asks whether there is more to life than earning it all just to leave it behind.

I like to believe that my life is a story filled with pages and snapshots of the people I've met, the places I've been, and the things I've been through. Maybe its out of a self-centeredness, but I lose sight of the fact that there are as many other stories as there are people in the world, each writing theirs furiously as I am mine. When I think about the hundreds of thousands of different stories out there being written, it makes me happy that everyone's life is meaningful but it also unsettles me because I realize that in many ways, mine isn't any schnazzier than someone else's. I begin to feel like just another number in the long string of equations before mine. Herein lies our struggle and life-long pursuit to do something "good" the life we've been given.

Most days I'll wake up early, gather my briefcase, work hard for the next 9 hours, come home, dance at the studio, play guitar/throw-in the occasional coffee shop gig, then eat a freakin awesome dinner and go to sleep. On the good days, I'll be pleased with myself. On the bad ones, I'll wish I were something better. Whichever way it plays out, the outcome is always the same. There comes a time in every man's life when he shuts his door to lay down and ask himself "what am I doing with my life?"

It looks so good on the outside. I'm blessed to have good health, friends who are there for me, a great education, a solid internship, and hobbies that excite me.

Here's the problem: the moment I put down my guitar I wonder to myself what would happen if I ever achieve legendary guitar-hero status. Even after the benefit concerts, the fame, the broken record sales, and charity events, would I have left an everlasting dent on the face of the Earth? Even when the most lurid dream becomes a reality, what's it worth if it's nothing more than than a memoir saying "I was here briefly" to be forgotten eventually, even if 1000 years down the road? I feel crushed. It is not cynicism, it just wont settle. There's something missing.

The human heart is programmed differently than the brain. The brain tells us we should be happy with our security, but the heart disagrees - it longs for more. And for that, perhaps the heart is the wiser organ.

We can believe that happiness is what life is about, but our hearts disagree. It will tell you there is more.

JESUS is the more you are looking for.

You are invited.

2009-06-24T00:47:00.000-07:00

I've never knew the depth of joy and the sweetness of life until I actually started loving Jesus.

When I fall short of my own expectations, I am still encouraged.

When I don't do well in school, I am still validated.

When my bank account clings on for dear life, I still feel rich.

He keeps me young at heart and my soul overflowing as the brimming dawn.

The answer to every man's primal call for true freedom is found in replying to Jesus with a "Yes."

Running and Discipline

2009-05-18T00:37:00.000-07:00

I hate it when you realize that you've been checking your facebook for the past 3 hours with a big midterm coming up. Or when you realize that you've been playing video games all day while holding off on writing a paper. Or when you realize that you've been loitering with your friends in a parking lot late at night for 2 hours even though you have work really early the next day. Or when your checking account empties out because its easier to eat at a restaurant than buying groceries.

Maybe self-discipline isn't such a bad thing after all.

Instant gratification is promoted today more than ever. Fast-food that caters to our instant hunger, television that lets us change channels the instant we lose interest, and the list goes on... Though these things in themself aren't bad, the effects of their hyperconsumption run deep in who we are: we lose the steering wheel over our own lives and become slaves to our desires. When we cant stop telling lies to your parents, we become slaves. Or we cant stop sexualizing women (or men) in ways we know isn't how they should be treated, we become slaves. Or when we cant stop getting angry at people you dont like, we become slaves.

Its a dangerous thing to let these habits consume you because it feels terrible and makes youwish we were half the man you used to be.

When every part inside craves instant gratification, sometimes you just gotta let it die so you can live for once. Because you feel so much more alive when the desires dont have the control.

Its ironic how disciplining yourself is more self-love than overindulgence. the more you beat your body, the more it obeys you and the more you listen to the voice of reason. the better off you are.

Running has always been a romantic thing for me. It might sound crazy, but I love running though it hasnt always been that way. In jr high and high school, we'd run almost 12 miles a day. During our workouts, I thought that I was going to pass out. With each step, my head would flop against my shoulders and I wouldnt be able to feel my toes anymore. Just a solid rhythm of my ankles droning endlessly across the track. The strange thing is, when you stop running to catch your breath, it feels amazing. When you go home, you can take deeper breaths and you have more energy throughout the day. its amazing how the feeling of death is rewarded by a better quality of life. Momma knows best when she says "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger."

Starting workouts are the hardest part. The first week is brutal and you dont even start to feel results until after 3 weeks. And during those 3 weeks, fatigue is heavy and dominating. It really makes you wonder if its really worth it.

The catch to running is that if you don't run everyday, you lose your edge very quickly. even missing a day or two's workout can drastically affect your speed and endurance; you can feel it. you gotta keep running.

I still think that running requires extreme mental roughness. When your gut feels like its gonna burst and your throat is pasty with dry saliva and everything in your brain tells you to stop, you've got to have serious toughness to shut out that voice and keep going. another mile. another mile. another mile...

The fastest man in the world doesn't claim his glory as the fastest if he isnt the fastest. No, he trains hard - though it's painful - sacrificing time and other pleasures. Even as he grits his teeth, wheezing as he goes, his heart beats wildly but his eyes remain steady with one thing on his mind: winning.

Paul writes about life is like a race and how we win it by living righteously. We get strong by having the discipline and willpower to say 'no' when we must; to not be slaves to our carnal desire. He talks about how the prize is worth running for: spending eternity with a loving father.

"Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."

the love of discipline isnt masochistic, it is self-preserving.

So keep the faith. Rub some dirt in it and keep running.

Melting a Proud Heart

2009-05-14T05:33:00.001-07:00

In some tribes, a lion's mane is a valuable commodity. it is a symbol of power and pride; a proof of authority well respected among other animals.

A proud lion stumbles into a trap. Unless it is freed, it will die and never fulfill its destiny to become an heir to nature's throne. The only way to save the lion is to convince it is to shave its mane.

Yell at a proud lion and it will never let you near. But if you approach it with compassion and gentleness, it will become teachable, lending you its trust so that it may be freed and saved.

The mane itself is nothing but hair; it doesnt not make a lion a king. Instead, a lion's right to throne was assigned and cannot be taken away.

Though not all lions will be saved, it is the original destiny of all lions to be heirs to royalty.

Bunnyslaughter**

2009-05-05T10:18:00.000-07:00

I ran over a bunny a couple days ago. I'm still not over it. I feel pretty terrible.

It was a drizzly night and i was driving home on a rural road with here-and-there streetlights when all the sudden BA-BOOM I drove over something with my driver's side tire as I saw the tail-end of a bunny shadow running in front of my car. As soon as I look into my rear view all i saw was a small shadow lying in the middle of a road. The thought of its little furry body passing under my seat still haunts me.

I wonder what the bunny was thinking... it literally jumped right in front of my wheel as if it were thinking "Oh hey, here comes a wheel. I think I'll jump in front of it." WHY BUNNY? WHY!!!

My roommate asked me if I'd feel bad running over a possum. I think I could get over it. yeah, yeah I know - that sounds unfair, but it is what it is: Possums are really, really ugly. Here are some animals that I think come close to the ugliness of a possum:

1) star-nosed moles

2) proboscis monkeys

3) lampreys

4) potato bugs

5) oarfish

now tell me you would rather save a bunny's life over one of these.

**I now realize that my make-believe word bunnyslaughter looks like "bunnys laughter." I assure you there was no bunny laughter that evening. Maybe some bunnytears.

Justice

2009-04-25T02:08:00.001-07:00

Just finished watching Hotel Rwanda again and it was just as good and powerful as it was the first time - maybe even more powerful this time around. Powerful movies do that. They suck you in and sit you down. Pulled in and set hostage, they won't let your eyes escape even if they wanted to. They share their stories relentlessly as you become less an audience and more a ghost: a quiet existence in the background of onscreen experiences. But at the end of the movie, we're all still ghosts: spectators who float on in life, always flirting with the romance of justice but never manifesting our hands on its responsibility.

I remember standing with my friend Grace Ko on library walk one day handing out red envelopes adressed to President Obama. That's when this girl came up to me and started hounding me with trap-questions about abortion, conception, Women's rights and other lightning rod topics. I could tell she didn't want to really see or understand my point of view and that she just wanted to argue and make me look like a chauvinistic fundamentalist idiot (trust me. it was pretty obvious). The more I listened to her, the more I grew impatient. though I laugh about it now, I remember praying even for patience. That's when she asked me:

"If you care so much about life, why aren't you doing anything about sex-trafficking? systemic poverty? international genocide?"

I was cut deep. half-embarassed and half-angry, I swallowed my guilt and let it run its rightful course because I was exactly that: guilty. I remember feeling naked; I wanted to hide. I hated the idea of being convicted by the one rubbing salt in my wound. I think I still do.

I wanted to tell her how wrong she was. I wanted to defend myself and brag about how compassionate of a person I thought I was and how I was taking a stand for justice by being on library walk promoting the red letter campaign. In my mind, I wanted to tell her to shut her trap and tell her that there was no way that I could carry all the burdens of the world on my shoulders or how I could never possibly feed all the starving people in the world by myself and that she probably didn't care about anything them either. But I couldn't because no matter how much it hurt to hear those words coming from her lips, it bore a great deal of truth. It reminded me that I must never fall more in love with the idea of social justice than actually being a part of it, lest I become a ghost, clapping and applauding the a film whilst holding little to no regard for the injustice behind the screen.

When we do nothing, the world continues to burn and people pay the price in blood.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do now. But of this much I'm certain: I must care.

Don Cheadle murders the movie btw. He oozes intensity. sheesh.

The wonder, magic, and intensity of faith.

2009-04-19T04:59:00.001-07:00

You cannot be a Christian without being a mystic.
I was talking to a homeless man at a laundry mat recently, and he said that when we reduce Christian spirituality to math we defile the Holy. I thought that was very beautiful and comforting because I have never been good at math. Many of our attempts to understand Christian faith have only cheapened it. I can no more understand the totality of God that the pancake I made for breakfast understands the complexity of me. The little we do understand, that grain of sand on our minds are capable of grasping, those ideas such as God is good, God feels, God loves, God knows all, are enough to keep our hearts dwelling on His majesty and otherness forever.

I love how the Gospels start, with John the Baptist eating bugs and baptizing people. The religious people started getting baptized because it had become popular, and John yells at them and calls them snakes. He says the water wont do anything for them, it will only get their snakeskins wet. But if they meant it, if they had faith that Jesus was coming and was real, then Jesus would ignite the kingdom life within them. I love that because for so long, religion was my false gospel. But there was no magic in it, no wonder, no awe, no kingdom life burning in my chest. And when i get tempted by that same stupid Christian religion, I go back to the beginning of the Gospels and am comforted that there is something more than the emptiness of ritual. God will ignite the kingdom life within me, the Bible says. That's mysticism. It isn't a formula that I am figuring out. It is something God does.

Too much of our time is spent trying to chart God on a grid, and too little is spent allowing our hearts to feel awe. By reducing Christian spirituality to formula, we deprive our hearts of wonder.

- Donald Miller

YES.

do more

2009-04-15T03:55:00.000-07:00

A Christian boy since the age of fifteen, you'd think I’d know better.
after all I’ve seen, I’ve still a lot of growing to do
until I can fill in the space in my Father's shoe

I might have written a verse or two
About all the lovey things I’d like to do
Hypocrisy! Yuck, but it’s true.
I’ve yet to find rhythm in what I must

There may be some swag dripping off the splash in my diction
But the friction of conviction re-minds my mind to remind me I must obey
It’s the ghost of a hope in an evil day

You see, I’ve done a lot of learning to love people in clever ways
but talking’s made my walking
lazy.
Though love is described as both a verb and a word,
it remains - at best - just an idea you've heard.

That is, until you do it.
Then it’s like magic,
Though there’s no trick

Am I:
In a cage?
Staring helplessly?
Longing for a chance to show my brother love?
No. debt paid and cage-less, I am a free man.
A free. laaaaazy. man.

Fat and gluttoned off grace,
I’ve dropped the baton during the race
set up camp on the side of the road
and enjoyed the embrace of the destructive broad.

“What is love?”
You can read about it in a book
You can talk about it ‘til your throat runs dry
You can even pull your head back and gaze into the sky
BUT keep in mind –
time is ticking
motivation is fleeting
You’ll never learn to swim ‘til you jump in

It isn’t love until you do it. It really isn’t.

I’m poor!
though my wallets packs a few bills,
these sermons sound good but they can’t fulfill spiritual thrills.
There’s more to life than Sundays,
God plans to end my life with a bang, not a sigh.
And for that? I’d gladly give it to him
than to half-ass another hymn.

Though I’m not old, my heart is bold
Though I have fl aws I won’t give pause
I’m selling my gold to hold. More.

I’m heading into the darkest part of town to plant some life

with seeds from heaven
Cause the hungry ones are the most ignored
Little do they know, theirs is the Lord’s reward.

I should stop writing. I’m off to fill in some shoes.

big picture

2009-03-27T01:52:00.000-07:00

Christian culture: What parts of it are holy and what parts of it are man-made?

Falling in love with Jesus was and is amazing. The sky didn't crack open. There weren't any angels doing the electric slide. But committing my life to Jesus would change me forever: after seeing how awesome He was, there has never been anything that has come close to his goodness in my life. He loves me, encourages me, comforts me in my depression, and strengthens me to have self-control instead of want. When I realized how much Jesus meant to me, I knew that he was would forever be my first love and that his word would reign supreme over that of any man's word in my life.

For this reason, we must inevitably find ourselves asking "why do I do the Christian things that I do? Do we apply patterns in christian lifestyle because it is holy or because it seems holy?"

not to say that these "Christian things" or other parts of Christian culture are bad. Indeed, many of them purport strong discipleship and growth. however, things that seem biblical may not actually be biblical; what may start as a good intention, without biblical roots, can be cancerous to our relationship with Him. We may end up doing things for reasons that we do not even know; we may be taking the words of man in place of God's.

Why do we follow specifications for the sabbath? do we feel guilty when we worship on a day other than Sunday? do we freak out when we worship with friends at home instead of a building? if so, why?

"Have you never read what David did, when he was in need and was hungry, he and those who were with him: how he entered the house of God, in the time of Abiathar the high priest, and ate the bread of the Presence, which it is not lawful for any but the priests to eat, and also gave it to those who were with him? The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath. So the Son of Man is lord even of the Sabbath."

We obey to demonstrate that he is Lord. He is not Lord because we demonstrate.

My destiny is not to struggle, it is to overcome.

2009-03-18T12:53:00.001-07:00

I'm not a fan of generalizing or categorizing people because we are deeply multi-dimensional beings. if one generalization could be made, it is that we cannot generalize one another. myers-briggs, horoscopes, blood types, not only typify people, but it leads us to believe that we all fall under one of those categories and that's the way life is.

this is not true: we are capable of change, but only when we realize it. life moves in stages and ages and we change through these seasons.

you are your own person and you make your own choices. you may only be summed up in words or categories - at best - for a short while. the rest is up to you...

Hold dearly to childhood passion and ambition or forfeit your inner strength. Somewhere inbetween the years of growing up and insecurity, we forget that the world is our oyster. seek out that narrow path you know exists; the path of living life without regrets.

Allow your fate to measure up to your destiny - your destiny to have life in abundance.

"I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."

-Jesus, John 10:10

dance: a love-hate thing.

2009-03-13T07:03:00.000-07:00

I never really danced in high school. Once in a while I'd turn a Relient K song and have a solo mosh pit in my room pretending I was in a music video. But I donno if you want to call that dancing....it was moving rhythmically to music...so i guess it sort of qualifies (but not really).

I never understood why people loved to dance so much. To tell you the truth, I used to think dancing was lame - or should i say - stylized dancing was lame. I remember during my 7th grade middle school dance nights, we'd do "the epilepsy" to teen classic jams such as "california love" or "YMCA" and I remember having the best time of my life because no one really cared what we looked like, and to me, that smorgasbord of unorganized energy was dancing. It wasn't pretty, but it was fun. I guess that's why I felt so weird when I saw battles because dancing became a competition; a "who's cooler" algorithm of rehearsed moves to gain prepubescent street cred.

Some of my friends in highschool would breakdance and session in their garages while I stood by in my grey dickies and band t-shirts sweeping my mullet-bangs to the side of my face. It just never clicked for me I guess: the whole idea of organized dancing. In highschool, I thought I was so cool because I was a drummer in my school's marching band because everyone knows that all the badass kids are in the marching band. If you've ever seen the movie drumline, you'd know: even black people were in marching bands and EVERYONE knows that black people invented cool. If that weren't bad enough, I was also a drummer in the orchestra, wind ensemble, rock band, and jazz band, so i guess that made me mr. rebel cool kid #1. I don't have any regrets about being in band by the way. It remains my true love and all the experiences from traveling and creating beautiful music will always hold a special place in my heart.

So whenever my non-dancing friends see me, they say

"ohhh shoot, look it's 'DUH DaNsSuhhhh!!'" (emphasis on the DUH).

I guess it's not a bad thing, but I feel slimy when I hear it. It feels like they got the wrong guy. In fact, whenever I heard that, it'd make me cringe just a little bit. Not talking about it makes me feel like there's an elephant in the room, but in reality, I feel a lot like the elephant. It doesn't belong!

College marked an ironic twist of events for me as I ended up joining a choreography team called UCSD Ascension. It introduced me to a performance world of adrenaline as we'd dance in front of crowds full of cool kids. To tell you the honest truth, I liked it because I felt really cool. That sounds so cheesy, but I liked the spotlight. Maybe that's why it's fueled me to take classes and push myself to achieve as a dancer. Being cool felt good. But inside, I'm not really looking to be dope. In fact, I am a geek at heart. I just want to enjoy my craft, and the enjoyment is running dry these days. I know its there and I'd like to catch onto it, but it's slippery.

The team I currently dance with is filled with some of the best dancers in the world. And I mean filled. Many of them have toured with international superstars and even starred in music videos and ABDC. It was my dream last year to make it onto the team and it's still a surreal experience because dreams are rarely realized. To me, straight A's are within the realm of possibility, but becoming a dinosaur is not. Becoming a dinosaur is a dream and so was making it onto the current dance crew I'm on.

Even now, when I go to practice, I feel like I'm on mars and I ask myself "what am I doing here?" Though my non-dancing friends praise me a lot for being able to make it onto a high calibur team, it's somewhat incomplete for me. Not because I can't achieve my own goals, but because I lack passion for it, and though I'd like to have more, its difficult to comeby. It simply doesnt please me as much as playing music. Maybe its just a phase but thats the way I feel for now. Pain reveals where we turn for comfort in our lives. Some people dance, but I dont. I sing and play guitar or fall asleep on my couch tapping a djembe. I find a great deal of life in being a musician, and I'm trying to catch onto the same relief in being a dancer.

I'm looking at this post and I can't sit still with it. It's gone in a lot of different directions and almost sounds depressing, but I assure you, I'm not depressed. I'm just trying to figure out what role dance should play in my life. There's no fairytale ending here to all the stuff coming out of my fingertips, but I guess that's why it's an honest drop in the bucket.

breathing the excitement back

2009-03-03T02:35:00.000-08:00

Hello old friend. Time to bare the 'ol soul.

I think I love the idea of control. Especially over things like what job I'll have or how I'll live. If i could, I would frame all my plans in a neat little cherry-glass frame and fold my arms in admiration. It is pretty awesome. I love control.

My American dream is set in scenic Monterey, California. Its sleepy mornings always linger as if the land itself were half-awake as veils of mist roll over the large oak beams of my home. The view is a thief, stealing breaths through views that frame grassy cliffs overlooking the white sands of Carmel, its turquoise shores, and the constant salty breeze that floats through the window as if it were on tap. It’s perfect: far from the sting of reality. I am happy and it is everything I want: security, comfort, peace. It is my fantasy waiting to be realized. My escape.

When life is an eye-sore, I just want to shut my eyes. Do you ever feel like that? I want my sea-cliff home. I want my $100,000 guitar. I want my Steinway piano. I want to numb it all away, hoping that it will.

Please try to feel me. Is it our desire as Americans to escape reality? To turn a blind eye to the suffering? Is there really more to life than getting rich, being happy, and dying? Or do we really just want to bask so deeply in applause that it drowns out the moans of people with needs? I don't want to fall asleep in luxury while somewhere, the sky is falling. I know that no matter how much I sit there on that patio enjoying the Monterey sunset, reality is still there tapping on my shoulder.

The dream is just a dream. Its cheap fabrications are lined with plastic. It just seems fake and unsatisfying.

Kanye has said some ridiculous things but he's right when he said "The highest up are often the most down low." How is it that the more we hold on to our lives, the more it crumbles apart? Often times, what we’d like to control often controls us: our lifestyles, our jobs, our fears. They consume us, dictate our feelings, and direct our actions. It almost seems crazy that God wants us to loosen our grip over our lives to trust that He has the best intentions for our lives. But that’s the funny thing that I’ve discovered: the less plans I try to make and the more I listen to what He has to say, the more peace and stability there is in my life. I think it’s because of the love he showers on me. His love is a pretty wild thing. It doesn’t obey the law of reason and it knows no boundaries. Even though I’ve disappointed him countless times, He continues to love me and encourage me. It’s that sort of wilderness about His love that captures my imagination – my desire.

I believe at the end of the day, we’re all looking for the love of a good father; a love that is unconditional. It’s the type of love that sees you for who you are – good and bad –and loves you regardless. The problem is that we’re looking for the right thing in all the wrong places: wealth, fame, status, etc. After my long search, the only person I know that can provide that sort of love day after day without fail is God. We can’t expect to fill the God-shaped hole in our hearts with anything otherwise.

I’m a total believer in enjoying life, but there’s a very fine line between happiness and ignorance. When it’s crossed, we lie to ourselves by convincing ourselves that we’re happy with our wealth and achievements. However, there is very little difference between folding our hands over our eyes and retreating to our million dollar homes. We're running from reality. A good friend of mine once said that all sunshine and no rain make for a desert. Life isn’t always sunshine as much as we’d like it to be. We need to understand that storms come and sometimes, we need them to remind us that there are deeper things in life.

So maybe the American dream is not so much a dream as it is a delusion because there is no "there" once you get there. It’s very possible that the only thing worse than planning what we want is when we actually get it. How many millionaires have been met with disappointment and a lingering for more after accomplishing the dreams of their youth? We can’t expect lifeless things to breathe life into ours. Even when we place our hope in our friends and family, they can fail us. It almost begs the question of whether there is anything in life that is constant and always there. I’ve only found one trustworthy person whom I can place my trust and hope: Jesus.

A lot of people say that Jesus is a crutch for the weak in spirit, but I am convinced that true strength is found in becoming like Him. I mean, If someone hurts you, it’s easy to give into our primal desire to repay an eye for an eye, but it takes true strength to humble oneself and to forgive an enemy. It’s hard to love people. But I want to be strong. And I know that the strength of the arm pales in comparison to the strength of humility. Jesus is seriously hardcore.

If you’ve ever felt like God doesn’t know you or care about you because you feel like an average person, don’t feel that way. He cares about you. He cares about your future. If you don’t believe me, find a bible and locate the verse Jeremiah 29:11.

There’s so much treasure to be hand when we understand that it’s not the achievements in life that make it succulent, but it’s the love of God that makes me confident that life is being lived to its fullest. His passionate love that he offers you is incomparable to any amount of fame, wealth, or even a woman's love. Welcome to a life with Jesus! He is so good that once you've had a taste of how good he is, everything else in life pales in comparison to what I can only describe as a mix of incredible joy, peace, and fulfillment. I'd humiliate myself for Him.

More than anything, He wants to make your life exciting. He wants to partner with you, to be a reliable friend. I know it sounds hard to believe, but that’s what faith is. Before you pursue a relationship with Him, I make an honest warning: He will completely change your life and you'll never come across anything better in your life.

Dare to believe that there’s someone on the other end of your prayers. For one faithful moment, loose your control over life.

When you lose your life, you’ll find it. In abundance.

valentines 2009

2009-02-15T00:34:00.000-08:00

11 am: wake up to john mayer. he's playing neon on my cell. its a call from annie - its time for breakfast at broken yolk. my headache says no, but my stomach says yes. time for the morning usual: i carefully climb down bunk, sit on the floor, scratch my butt, yawn, scratch my butt again, smell my morning breath, catch my reflection, silently wish i were buffer, scratch my butt again, hobble into the shower, turn on the shower, hop out of the shower because its too cold, wake up, take a shower, and we're set.

11:40 am: time to check facebook (as always). nothing new. my life sucks.

12:00 pm: jay and mary are half awake downstairs from our long "SGBM Friday-the-Thirteenth-singles-awareness-video-game-extravaganza-potluck-night." jay cracks his back like 18190325 times. i think he's a mutant. we proceed to talk about how freaking hazardous it is to live in rural crescent city while eating delicious chocolate chip cookies and stale hot cheeto puffs. did you know that every year, someone in crescent city gets A) smashed by a car B) murdered on streets without streetlights C)falls off a cliff to their death D) drowned in a fishing accident or E)raped by aliens. E hasnt happened yet, but you never know. Annie is calling, she is getting impatient...

1:00 pm: i arrive to pick up the kid, annie. we drive off to campus to pick up jon. currently playing: O pato - Stan Getz. sun's out, rain's gone, and the bossa is on

1:05 pm: as im driving halfway to campus, Jay texts me and saying that i forgot my wallet. i scratch my butt. he's right. damn!

1:20 pm: me and annie wait for jon and we park on this ramp/sidewalk thingy infront of a dumpster. 2 janitors share a good laugh together and tell us to get lost because we're "blocking the dumpster." i still think they were sharing a valentines moment. jon arrives and we head back to my place to get my wallet.

1:40 pm: we finally get to broken yolk and i am dying for some biscuits with gravy. i ordered a mimosa for the first time. its half champagne, half orange juice and also half nasty. i have this weird thing where i want to try every drink everywhere i go. so far, alcohol is a disappointment. but they gave us complimentary chocolate-dipped strawberries. biscuits and gravy were da bomb. haha no one says that anymore. but it was truly DA bomb. note to self: come back on the 24th and 25th for their 30th year anniversary where ALL entrees are $3.00!

2:40 pm: dropped off annie at campus and head over to fashion valley with jon. i havent bought a pair of jeans from gap since jr high, but i saw a pair that i actually liked. i dont care how that sounds, i am now the proud owner of a dope pair of jeans. catch me in em on the flipside baby. good job gap, you done good.

7:00 pm: i am finally home! sweet rest! i change into my ball shorts and a sweater, head downstairs, cook some pasta, and curl up on the couch with a few pillows and blankets. jon let me borrow his 30 rock season 1 (which is just aiite so far. i've only seen 4 episodes). this is off topic, but watching 30 rock made me feel happy to just kick it and not have to engage. lately, my white hairs and sickly health have been telling me that im living life way too fast and i just need to time to slow down, pop in a dvd, and be. but to be honest, i am a little sad that i dont have anyone to celebrate valentines day with, but that's okay. i am learning to be okay with not having what i want immediately, and i think the best things in life are worth waiting for. especially for her. this is kinda weird to talk about online. we should talk about it over a cup of coffee or something. then we can sit cross-legged and talk about crumpets or the mysterious ways in which our hearts work.

1:11 am: i am the worst son ever. i forgot to call my mom and say happy valentines day!!! i call her, and thankfully she is still awake. she says that she's just happy that i called. she is awesome - and at many times- she is my best friend. there are only one or two people in my life that know me to my core, and she is one person who has seen me and still loves me, and in that way, she is a reflection of Jesus. i miss her a lot.

learned a lot about love today.

wrecked for Jesus and the LGBT

2009-01-28T04:06:00.000-08:00

.
this is written for everyone. including you. its a detailing of what God has been doing recently in my life. though it might unnerve you, let it soak your heart a little bit. i hope that you will feel the love of God reverberating throughout my fingertips as i type out my hearts yearnings.

----

my good friend Jesus is helping me to strip off all my unnecessary western cultural christian baggage to follow in his footsteps, and man, it has been wonderful.

After all these years of following Jesus, i've acquired loads of knowledge about God, the bible, etc from sermons, books, and conversations with pastors. however, its a bit ironic that though i've gained a lot of knowledge about God for the sake of being wise, i am more foolish than ever because i have forgotten the God's greatest commandment which is to LOVE Him and to LOVE others. As someone who has chosen Jesus, i've wrongfully placed theology above His greatest commandments, both which are centered on LOVE! though i am grateful for the sweet nuggets of holy knowledge that i've been blessed with thus far, i've been missing out on the real meat of what God is offering: life to its fullest and in abundance by being a reflection of Jesus.

Simply being nice to people isn't enough! offering donuts on sunday just doesnt cut it. we aren't loving until others see Jesus in us! love is no word to throw around; it is powerful and carries so much weight! a lot of times i find myself trying to explain who God is instead of showing who God is. since the bible says "God is love" are we really showing God if we've not loving people? no one will see God unless they see a true sense of love which He embodies. this means dropping our debate-centered intentions and getting out of Christian cliques to deeply involve ourselves in life-breathing ways unto the lives of people who are dearly missed by God. a donut and tract just dont convey His reckless passion for us.

and this is something that i want to ask my fellow Brothers and Sisters in Christ with joy and compassion: why is it that we take greater pride and joy in our good teachings and not in the harvest that love bears? or how about sermons and that make us feel entitled to a sense of prestige because we think of ourselves as enlightened beings while we harbor disdain and contempt for our brothers and sisters in other churches with the same heart that we offer the Lord? And by that same heart, we fail to share the Father's heart for his prodigal children by condemning them as if they were scum and not encouraging them with hope to become rightful heirs to His throne. Though they are good things, Jesus did not die so that we could have bible studies and prayer meetings. He died so that ALL men could be saved. Though we cant express who God is without proclaiming that he is an almighty God who will judge us after we pass away, we've misrepresented him by failing to show that his love and mercy is greater than his judgement. as a result, people tend to think that God is an angry man waiting to punish us in our imperfections. eventually,people gain a distorted view of who God instead of who he truly is: someone loved the world so much that he himself died so we could spend eternity with him. in these ways, we who call ourselves His people, have become more pharasaic than Christ-like. until we decide to swallow that truth, we will continute to be more anemic to the cause of Christ than to the establishment of heaven on earth. COME ON FAMILY! my heart wells with love for you! let's be passionate about one another and our prodigal siblings! the absence of love changes church from a family into a competition! No one should be able to harbor any skepticism or doubt in our love for ALL people.

this wrecked me hardcore and made me recommit my life to simply and radically obeying the Lord out of an overflow of adoration of His passionate love for imperfect people.

I believe that people of LGBT backgrounds have become the modern day leper colony because Christians have treated them that way. God's followers - who are supposed to be lights of love and hope unto others - have shunned the gay community and have failed to treat our gay brothers as though Jesus died for them. instead, we have insulted, humiliated, and treated them as if they were the scum of society. A good friend of mine put it in a powerful and true way:

"if Jesus were here today, he wouldnt have spent most of his time at Church. He would have been at the Gay bars spending time with people forgotten by society."

Lights are meant to go in dark places, and as the parable of the lamp says, anyone who decides to follow Jesus should run to the darkness to be the lamp upon a stand that shines for othersin the darkness to see.

the LGBT center on our campus is filled with so many great and amazing people, which should come to Christians as no surprise. As i've been hanging out there the past few weeks with my good bro Sam, we've made a lot of good friends out of love and not obligation or duty. we're praying and believing for a revival in the LGBT. Please pray that God pierces the hearts of our LGBT brothers and sisters, and that they would realize his authentic love and the original identity that He had created them to embrace.

On one occaision while some friends and i were praying for the campus, we felt led to visit the LGBT center to pray that God would bless it. as we arrived at the steps leading up to the space, i felt a noticable pain in my right ankle as i went up the steps. it intensified as i walked closer to the LGBT center. my initial reaction was to ignore it as some random spasm of pain, but what I've started realized is that God will use even our own bodies to get our attention for the sake demonstrating his Godship to his precious children nearby (in reference to everyone; God views us all as His children). After sharing the pain in my ankle with my friend, he suggested that we walk over to the LGBT (there were people studying inside) to ask if anyone's ankle had been hurt. as we approached the door, a guy in a blue t shirt (wont share his name on this blog yet) opened it to leave. though i'm not particularly bold, i remembered my commitment to the Lord and called out to the dude as he was walking away and asked "hey man, does your ankle hurt?"

he was stunned. absolutely shocked. stuttering, he shared how he had gotten into an accident that left his ankle hurting. with curiousity, he asked "how did you know?"

stupidly, i replied with "REALLY?! THATS AWESOME!" not because his ankle had been hurt, but because God actually had a plan to speak to this dude through my chunky leg! obeying God is totally crazy!

oh yeah. and just to let you know, im not what some people referred to as an extraordinarily prophetic person who has the gift of prophecy/healing or whatever. im just a dude. sometimes, i feel like i dont even have a grid for it. haha i think i may have been more amazed than the other dude, but i guess thats what makes it awesome. it just goes to show that God chooses to move in creatively prophetic ways through imperfect and ordinary people like us. all it takes is a simple heart that desires and is willing to reveal God's divinity and passion for his children.

we took that opportunity to share that God knew more about him than just his ankle and that he desired a relationship with him. He was in a rush, so we quickly prayed with faith (believing that he would be healed) for his ankle and opted to stay in touch. when he walked away, my ankle instantly stopped hurting. I truly believe he was healed and I CANNOT wait to meet up with him! craziness!!

that's the crazy thing about God. because when his children have the faith to step out and put themselves on the line, He shows up and does amazing things that have the power to instantly change lives in ways that our strategies and philosophies cannot. We will never see someone's heart moved to see God through a debate, but hearts are pierced when we create space for God to demonstrate his Godship. When we stop debating about whether or not God heals, and we simply begin to obey the word's commands to pray for the sick and afflicted, we adopt a heart like that of Jesus's: a simple devotion. Instead of obedience, we ask questions. we feel a compulsive need to logically rationalize a command before we do it, which in itself requires very little faith and is, in itself, disobedience. praying for people to be healed should is not about being a radical Christian, a charismatic Christian, a conservative Christian, or identifying oneself with any other culturally-inspired spiritual movement. its about a simple heart that says "Lord, i have read what you desire of me and whether you still heal today or not, i do not care. i simply want to obey them with confidence and faith, believing each time that they will be fulfilled."

2 weeks ago when i went out of town to Irvine to visit some childhood friends i had grown up with in San Jose, an amazing thing happened. we were hanging out at my friend Chris's house and suddenly i felt a random and noticeable pain in my hand/wrist. just a few hours earlier, my friend Brian Orme had encouraged me to start praying with faith that God would actually heal sicknesses through our prayers. after debating whether to speak up or not and sitting on the fence for a good ten minutes, i asked my group of ten or so friends if anyone's hand/wrist had been hurting lately. i was shocked when my friend Julie shared that she had chronic pain in her hands that would bring tears to her eyes and even lead to immobilization and trips to the emergency room. we were filled with boldness, and decided to pray for her with faith that her wrist would be completely healed. after a few minutes, we finished praying to which she didnt feel any noticeable change in her body. she thanked us for the prayer, and we all went our separate ways to get ready for school the following day. after a few days had passed by, i felt the urge to call her and see how show was doing, only to receive this facebook message on my wall while chillin @ the LGBT center:

"hello brian! my joints haven't been hurting at alllllllll since that day!
it usually gets really bad before it rains too but i didn't get any pain at all last night! i'm amazed! :D"

as i did mental backflips of ecstacy for the next couple minutes, i realized that there was no lightning bolt from the sky or fire pillar from heaven when we prayed for her. though it was a subtle holy moment unfelt and unextraordinary to the naked eye, its impact was far-reaching and extremely significant to my friend Julie, whom God cares about deeply.

maybe we dont see healings in America as often as overseas because we dont actually expect someone to be healed after we pray for them. im totally guilty of praying faithless prayers for sick people out of a sense of christian obligation or pity, and i want to encourage you that we dont have to pray like that. Jesus said in the bible that it is by faith we are healed, and that faith can do extraordinary things. therefore, the healing that was poured out was not by some amazing teaching or training that is received or unlocked, but simply a release of something that is already there: the holy spirit responding to a willing and believing heart that wanted to obey God. God totally moves through all of us. even in little, complaining asian boys.

dont get me wrong. im not trying to be a hippie boy into love and healing because it's cool or for the sake of the advancement of my personal beliefs/views on how we should live. these are just the achings of your God's heart which i believe is transplanted in us as we seek to understand his great joy and passion in us. let's be authentic and pure in our love - a pure reflection of Jesus.

i hope this finds you well and fills you with encouragement. please dont ever forget, God sees so much worth and beauty in you even when you do not.

This is crazy

2009-01-20T18:00:00.001-08:00

2009

2009-01-01T02:07:00.000-08:00

here's to a new year!

a relationship with Jesus is amazing. if you dont have one yet, try something new this year. He is that good.

Best friends that pee on you - part I

2008-12-28T00:20:00.000-08:00

owning and caring for a dog teaches you a lot about life.

to me, dogs arent just objects of responsibility. they deserve and mean so much more. there's something about holding it close to your chest as a fragile puppy, laughing when it runs into the screen door, yelling when it pees in the corner of the living room, cuddling up with it on a cold night under the sheets, and grieving slowly when it passes on; they frame life in a way that no book or story could without ever saying a single word. just meaningful little barks and grunts here and there.

you could do much worse than to be called a dog. i'll take that compliment anyday.

thank you googly-eyed dog. i love waking up to your bad breath every morning. without the slightest clue, you teach me so richly of life. you oblivious brat.

silhouettes - part I

2008-12-21T01:04:00.000-08:00

as a kid, i used to subscribe to a children's magazine called "Highlights." (i loved getting any kind of mail with MY name on. didnt matter if it was a letter from a friend or an freakin invitation to open a mortgage). dont act like you're too cool to know what im talking about. all you 90's kids will know what im talking about: those magazines with all sorts of cool articles on animal rescues, outerspace, and shel silverstine poems. in the back of every issue, there was a "guess the object" section where they show you a zoomed in picture of something like lizard scales or zebra skin, and you'd have to guess what it was. i never peeked at the answers.

i think it was then that knew that i loved silhouettes, hiddenness, and even their shadows. even today, half the pictures that i save when im wasting time on deviantart.com are of outlines or the backs of heads or something else obscure.

they make you anticipate, guess, imagine, and sometimes hope. even as formless nothings, there's a forbidden clarity: sometimes you have to trust that the things you cannot see or understand are truly there.

a good friend of mine asked me if i would rather choose a famous michelangelo over an uncut slab of marble. like most sane people, i said that i'd rather choose the michelangelo sculpture, but he met me with this response:

"i'd choose the uncut chunk of marble. it holds so much potential and room for creativity. it could be an utter failure, but it could also be the greatest masterpiece of its kind"

i love silhouettes. they are the taste of what has yet to come.

God is kind of like a silhouette. a daringly, exciting silhouette.

homecoming and shaved heads

2008-12-17T22:46:00.000-08:00

How to fix a haircut gone wrong:

1) chop it off.

2) reassure yourself by saying aloud, "that is bold, you bold person, you."

-- "that is bold... you bald person. you."

its never felt so good to be home! the smell of kimchee and sesame oil never gets old. mmm, delish. i think i'll take my time stretching out on the sofa and spend aimless hours watching dry day-time dramas that nobody likes (thats some high-quality laziness right there). just the type of break i needed...

here's to a some great winter adventures :)

art. humanness. souls. creativity. robots. algorithms. the impossible. God.

2008-12-09T06:45:00.000-08:00

.
i was commenting on a friend's blog and i decided to carry it over to a post.

can robots be creative? this post isnt about robots, but answering this questions might have some pretty solid implications on God, life, and the human soul. im writing a paper on how the soul is what makes humans human. the soul validates itself through algorithm*-less choices, creativity, and the possibility of failure - all of which are shown through expressive art (keyword expressive) because the art is a product of choices, evolving ideas, and subjectivity (not everyone will like it or deem it a "success"). expressive art in itself does not mean anything unless it points to the person/artist/creator. therefore, a printer cannot be an artist because though it creates, it cannot creatively create; it is merely a conduit of the creativity obeying a programmed, linear, and un-evolving algorithm to print an image. so can we ever create something that creatively creates? can we create non-linear algorithms that disobey themselves and evolve into other algorithms? is AI even possible or is it like trying to create life?

God is God because he can do the impossible by creating evolving algorithms. He is also an artist because He can creatively create. if the essence of life is to have breath and creativity, then He is the author of Life. He creates, therefore He is. -deep silence-

*(an algorithm is a step-by-step procedure that guarantees an output. for example, a math equation like 4x=8 is programmed to yield x=2 every time because it follows a uniform set of procedures. a calculator is programmed with algorithms to do arithmetic and also complicated equations to follow a procedure that will consistently yield a output. boom.)

remembering the year...

2008-12-06T22:32:00.000-08:00

Transitory Season

2008-12-02T15:06:00.000-08:00

Autumn, autumn, fading fast
Autumn, autumn, make it last
Sprinkling leaves on glassy lakes
Stillborn hush glaze hazel scapes

Autumn, autumn, crispy air
Autumn, autumn, in my hair
Comb the breeze in zephyr blues
Breathe out breath in silky plumes

its coming too soon...
far too soon.theend.

---

"the brevity teaches us to enjoy it."
thank you, creator, for a great fall season.

so worth it

2008-11-14T20:13:00.000-08:00

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field.

When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."

I love the outdoors

2008-11-12T10:57:00.000-08:00

The great thing about nature is that it makes you feel so small.

i grew up loving the outdoors. i remember hiking through mountains, the heaviness of waterfall mist in the air, looking up at the giant sequoias, crawling across huge boulders, struggling up fresh trails, and when i surveyed it all, i felt a little helpless. I felt like an outsider in God's playground.

you can almost hear the faintness of stolen breaths from others who had seen the same sights hundreds and even thousands of years before. it takes you back to a place before nature-being became sight-seeing. in your gut, you can feel it.

and when i look back at myself, my achievements, my pride, and my problems, they seem so irrelevant and small. the trees that have seen so much over hundreds or even thousands of years, continue to live on past the lives of men who have staked their legacies on fashioning glory and achieving impressive works. but even the greatest men in history in perish. and as if the cedars should pay tribute and the stars weep- no - life goes on and the earth continues to spin. quiet as ever.

Nature remains a beautiful overseer through time.

what building exists that is more beautiful than the gentle ebbs of the tide? what piece of art is more beautiful than the snow falling on forest tops? there is no man-made thing that can compare to the surpassing beauty of a simple wave of natures hand.

i wish we were more spiritual. in a simpler times, men all over the earth recognized that somewhere out there in the mystery of the universe, there was a God, and i believe it was because they felt overwhelmed at the sight of nature. it inspired them, challenged them, and awakened their souls in a way that art or any man-made thing could not. it was God's letter to us: "I am here, near you. I am your God." but now, the concrete jungles have replaced the wilderness until all that remains are monoliths that pay tribute to man and his glory. we've drowned out the call of God with the clamor of men.

come near to God, and He will come near to you.
James 4:8

I'm a PC.

2008-11-06T13:44:00.000-08:00

.

feat. billionaires, Deepak, Pharrell, Tony Parker, and selvedge denim masterminds.

dance like no one's watching...?

2008-09-25T01:42:00.000-07:00

Get down with yo bad self little man.

big willie style

2008-09-09T23:45:00.000-07:00

hahaha the memories...

good riddance pain and suffering

2008-09-07T01:04:00.000-07:00

.a
a glimpse back at friday/saturday madness...

night falls

the calm before the storm

finally...sweet sunday. summer, it's good to have you back

haha

2008-08-29T15:29:00.001-07:00

I just had the most freaking stupid dream ever haha

I dreamed that I got a new roommate and he looked familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on who he was.

I was like "who are you? can't you just tell me your name?"
but he just looked at me, smiled, and said "guess."

and then I completely freaked out because I realized that he was Kobe Bryant. lol.

So after wards, I ran around telling all my friends stuff like "DUDE! GUESS WHO MY ROOMMATE IS!! KOBE BRYANT!!!!!" and "THIS IS SOOOO COOL! I CANT BELIEVE I'M ROOMING WITH KOBE BRYANT!!!"

crazy dream, but it felt so real! some day. maybe...

a great evening on an empty beach

2008-08-27T04:24:00.001-07:00

.
The beach is a place rightfully cliched and loved. Every time I see it, there's nothing that needs to be said to announce the first glimpse of the endless horizon. You don't have to describe the enveloping panorama of the coastline wrapping around the fragile skyline. It's all there waiting for you to enjoy it.

It's the feeling of helplessness you get when you stand before a beauty that silences every thought and pierces the proudest spirit: nature in all of its unbridled wilderness... In every contour and every wrinkle, the beauty of God's fine workmanship speaks proud and beautiful volumes over concrete jungles. Suddenly, the line between reality and Eden begins to blur, and the weeping water washing over my feet welcomes me home. I feel like I'm home. I wish I were. Home is kind of like the ocean.

A lot of my shots are blurry, kind of like these sweet moments. Too often I'll try to capture a thousand moments hoping to re-live one half-hearted memory. But maybe that's the beauty of the present - sweet because its only here for a grain of time; it couldn't be captured if we wanted to. Life is too fast to be enjoyed through a lens. If I could relinquish my spectatorship and put my camera down for a second, I might take the palette and hues in with my eyes, the salty sea foam with my nose, and the gentle beating with my ears. I would swear on moments like this.

I think I will take my time today to enjoy this idleness.

travel

2008-08-25T03:06:00.000-07:00

.
i've always envisioned adventure to be some sort of journey to a far-off place filled with strangers and foreign smells. To be transparent and completely absorbed in the humdrum of a colorful culture with only polaroids to remember them by; a jealous fly snatching frames from the lives of jaded passer-bys.

or maybe its just the feeling of my imagination taking off

coming soon...

2008-08-16T03:26:00.000-07:00

GMS SE white ash kit + lug & suspension system

(a closer look at the lugs)

Ludwig supraphonic black beauty vintage re-issue

Saluda "Ion series" 16" b20 bronze hats

Dear God, please send money.

super awesome events in my unfairly exciting life

2008-08-10T01:54:00.001-07:00

.
the new jason mraz stuff is off the heezy. currently playing: "a beautiful mess". turn it on to feel me.

i love my new mouthwash. it makes my mouth smell like xylitol. for cave dwellers: xylitol is a delicious gum that cleans your teeth while making them smell apple-smashing good.

has anyone else been blown away by China's opening ceremony? i wont spoil it for you, but i got 10+ chills watching the amount of detail and skill that went into every performance. prepare to be amazed! (watch "sights and sounds")

cooking is my new craft. step into my home and let me cook my way into your heart. my latest creation shown below: balsalmic vinagrette/extra virgin olive oil over a spring salad + romaine hearts, orange/yellow sweet peppers, cucumbers, almonds, baked tilipia marinated in worcestershire sauce, parmesean cheese, and almonds. boom.

i need a dslr. PLEASE SANTA!!!! i would put it to such good use!

went to the sahn diago wild animal park the other day (decided via coin flip) and i loved it very much. i guess its kinda sad that the animals are like prisoners. less hostile and less rape-some prisoners. but i guess its better than being eaten? i digress, my favorite exhibit was the deer one. i love deer. i think they're the most peaceful looking animals. i almost got emotional petting one.

the poor rhino dipped in bronze.

chyea.

so cute. (the deer)

not an animal.

1 of 7 remaining white rhinoceros in the world. the others are just common trash.

a deer-cow in zebra pants?

lions chillin on a jeep. kinda scary.

treating mother nature with respect.

not a wild animal, but still cool to watch

ikea's 2009 catalog came in today. spent a few good minutes on the can looking at mod furnishings. when i get my own house, its going to be the coolest hut on the block. this led to a few hours surfing deviantart.com. theres some amazing stuff up there. nothing better than listening to some good tunes and getting into some sweet art.

had an internship interview a few days ago, and i must say that it was better than my last one. no stuttering, awkward, stupid sentences this time. my would-be boss is a really cool and down-to-earth guy. i hope i get it! crossing my fingers! i find out on monday! more exclamations marks!

in simpler times, i had a huge imagination

2008-07-25T03:34:00.000-07:00

these days, its harder to have have fun without spending money.

i miss it when things were simpler and having fun meant going exploring the backyard using the trashcan as a shield and a twig+dental floss as a bow & arrow. or imagining my lego blocks to be giant robots and i'd build the most kickass space ships. or when climbing up a bunk bed was actually a challenge.

i used to think that if something at the store didnt have a price tag, it was free. and i was convinced that the left/right turn signal arrows on the dashboard were magic and they'd always tell you when to make a turn. i was a very matter-of-fact kid actually. some of my earliest memories were when my mom was driving me down landess avenue and i'd try to impress her with my (false) understanding of why trees were green or why noses bleed. even though most of it was nonsense, my mom always said "my son is so smart!"

i love my mom. i miss her.

i also remember when my sister used to overpower me all the time. the toddler stage is a vulnerable time for any younger brother because until you gain past 40 pounds, your older sister can beat you up. my sister used to pinch me whenever i looked at her copy of the scholastic book-order. those really thin and colorful catalogs where you check-off little squares for the books you want and you put a check in the mail. and then a few weeks later, the teachers pass out all the order in class like its Christmas in April. and then you look around to see what the other kids bought (heathcliff comics, the rainbow fish, goosebumps). and my sister would force me to play sailor moon with her (she had a huge collect of holographic sailor moon cards). i was always queen barrel. wtf! queen barel is a woman! atleast let me be tuxedo mask or moonlight night! but she'd overpower me. haha lillian. i love her.

i hated piano lessons as a kid. and i hated kumon. the homework was freakin relentless. if you fell behind even a day, itd be impossible to catch up. seriously. how do you expect little children to do 100 pages of long division every week? i was only in 2nd grade! so i'd stash my unfinished homework in the closet drawer. but one day, my mom found out. and i got owned.

i guess it'd be wrong for me to not mention my dad. he's the kind of dad that makes you laugh until you cry. back in the day when desktops were huge and monitors were giant boxes, we started playing around with microsoft paint and we just scribble all over the screen with different colors and laugh uncontrollably for no reason. i guess its a kid thing, but my dad always played along.

i remember when pokemon first came out. i was the first one in my elementary school to catch all 150 pokemon! i was once challenged to name all 150 pokemon in the correct order and i did. i was a freaking pokedex. my favorite pokemon was articuno. i remember when i first fought it, i was like "dang. this pokemon is strong. it froze my blastoise..." and then everyone figured out how to do the cinnabar island/rare candy trick plus the cloning trick with the link cable. then pokemon became lame cause you could just catch mewtwos and use infinite rare candies to level them up to level 199. if you know what im talking about, then we could've been good friends in the 4th grade.

i miss kiddy quirks. im gonna have like 10 kids some day and have myself a good vicarious thrill watching them do funny kid stuff.

plans

2008-07-19T05:18:00.000-07:00

there are a few things i would like to do this summer:

- write some yelp reviews.
it's not really about writing the reviews, but its all about the feeling of walking into the right scene with a great meal waiting for you :). days have been made perfect in the following order: grabbing a few friends, driving with the window open, walking down sunset la jolla streets at dusk, and enjoying some great food in an atmosphere full of personality. a recent favorite of mine was el pescador! (*if you like a fresh fish cooked marinated just right on top of a warm loaf of bread or over a light salad w/vinagrette, its pure magic. the place is really casual, and its pretty small, so its not great if you're bringing a crowd. expect around to pay around $7-10 bucks for a quality meal ( i recommend the ahi tuna, snapper, and especially the clam chowder)

- mount the fender on the dining wall and put some photos up
ever since i've moved in, i've been trying to take advantage of the freedom of having my own place. one of these things is the look and feel of the space. its kinda stupid, but i just like giving my space some personality and vibes. trying to go for something clean, mod, yet cozy, but we'll see how this works out. still trying to find some good art for the blank on the walls (some black and whites of cityscapes maybe).

- build a lamp using a plastic cylinder, some white christmas lights, and pages from the bible
just an idea i picked up while sitting on the toilet......doin....you know.

- learn the ins and outs of an SLR camera...and work it.
i want to take some super saturated or black and white street shots like from a lomography camera (they're those cameras that are point-and-shoot and wen you develop the film, you get all sorts of neat colors and focus/blurs)

- write some bossa and gig it in a small scene
my high school band teacher recommended jazz music, and i've loved the stuff ever since. it makes me want to play in a band again! for some good bossa, stan getz, jobim, gilberto, sitti navarro, and more to come, but if you're interested in checking out some sweet sounds, check these guys out. they're from another planet

- spend some time in spain
haha probably not going to happen, but its MY blog right? if you ever go ANYwhere in europe, barcelona is the place to be. i heard someone say that people visit paris and italy, but they live for spain. during my limited time in spain, i can say that i loved every single minute of it: the place is such a kickback, agenda-less place filled with art and good vibes. i'd love to have a couple euros, a backback, and my ipod to just walk the city and enjoy the culture. the food is a bit harder to get used to, but its a small price to pay for the crazy art thats everywhere. my favorite spot was park gaudi which was designed by an artist. i wish we had parks designed by artists. they have mosaics everywhere and the long green parkways and benches to sit and enjoy looking at the Mediterranean sea makes it almost too livable. theres old people kickin it smoking some cigars over boules, people playing the lyre outdoors, and cobble stone paths leading to outdoor patios overlooking the entire town (which lights up at night). you have to see it in person to fully enjoy it, so go if you can! france is overrated anyways.

thats all i can think of for now. until my brain itches next time,

good night!

new place

2008-07-08T16:03:00.000-07:00

i moved into my new space about 2 weeks ago, and its been pretty hectic. its a lot less sheltered and much more responsibility to pay bills, buy furniture, clean the place, drive around town, buy groceries, etc, but hey, its a new chapter of life right? im kinda enjoying the freedom anyhoo.

the scoop:

THURSDAY: left home and started driving down at around 5am in my 100 horsepower hyundai accent. i love it already! it was struggling uphill on the grapevine, but the trip wasn't as bad as i thought. wish i had someone to talk to on the way though. played amy winehouse, john mayer, no doubt, stan getz, and jimmy eat world on repeat for the next 7 hours til i arrived at ma new place. spent a lonely night on the living room floor by me self in fear of a hockey masked man. moral of the story: do not spend a night alone in an empty building without electricity!

FRIDAY: my housemate jay moves in. he's a cool guy! we chit chat, make plans for sushi, drums, and hitting a bucket at the driving range. i furnished the place with a mod black ikea coffee table. $20, hollaaaaaaa! slept on the floor again. great.

SATURDAY: more moving. it never ends! phillip and andy brought their truck to help move some lofted beds and sofas. im really happy about the look of the place so far. now we need a dining table, some artwork, maybe a plant or two to give the space some life. i still need some more storage. slept on the lofted bed. scariest sleeping experience of my life so far.... its like sleeping on a tub of jello.

SUNDAY: the moving continues! my roommate moves in and our house fam is complete. realized i needed garbage bags. and drain-o. someone left us a surprise in the bathtub drain :-)

MONDAY: school starts. never hated lecture more in my life! 3 hours of econometric glory. one of my professors sounds like ben stein (bueller......bueller.......) on depressants. got buttlock multiple times, its like taking a final exam EVERY DAY. someone save me!

all in all, i'm enjoying the summer. SD is a great kickback place and i love the sunsets. i'm planning on mounting my guitars on the walls, so pictures to come!

catching thoughts

2008-06-15T22:42:00.000-07:00

there are many experiences in life that simply cant be expressed through words. they're better left to the natural course of our lives and the prayers that guide them.

its hard to explain a feeling. to catch a piece of it on paper is rare, but once it envelopes you, its crystal clear.

i thought about a mishmash of things today: achievement, expectations, failure, and in between it all: God. after contemplating for a while, I remembered one thing: that God loves us not for what we have to offer, but because we are family. and like good family, we love one another not because of achievement, but because we've walked life together.

like the mysterious and instantaneous bond between parent and child, so does God's love for us everlast.

i imagine love to be much like the same thing.

omg. rest during finals week.

2008-06-09T03:54:00.000-07:00

so its about 4 am, my energy drink has worn off, and i've been studying econ forever, learning nothing. my final is in about 7 hours. ***(btw, i know nothing and i have 2 finals today back-to-back today. tomorrow i have 2 more back-to-back finals which means i have one of the CRAPPIEST finals schedules possible. yay.)

10 minutes ago, i felt like crap: hopeless and weary. and you know when you're really tired or weary, you need to talk to someone to motivate and comfort you right? well i really wanted to talk to someone but seeing as how everyone is a) sleeping or b)too busy studying, i felt out of luck.

i decided to start asking God for strength and comfort cause i'm pretty beat. these past 2 weeks have been really bad on my health and even my friends are starting to notice the army of white hairs owning my head. after i started praying (and singing), it strengthened me so much, and now i feel great and optimistic about my finals. :-) i promise. no drugs were involved.

"Come near to God, and he will come near to you!" James 4:8

my saviour does pottery

2008-06-04T22:27:00.001-07:00

.
sometimes I feel like I'm walking in circles when I'm chasing after God, always arriving back where i started: to simply be still and accept God's forgiveness and permission to fail.

sometimes i cant stand the thought of Jesus washing my feet as if i were some sort of king. my feet are far too soiled, far too stained from veering off the path that he paved.

but i guess that's exactly the type of guy he is. when we feel broken, he bends down to pick up the shards and doesn't mind getting his hands dirty because we are his passion. he sees something we cannot, the beauty in our brokenness. he doesn't mind the fact that we're messed up and spent because he knows that he is the potter, and that he can make any broken work into something new. he gathers the pieces and shapes them into a new creation, something beautiful filled the joy and pride of the potter. i want to be molded every day until i hear his breath in my ear.

"that's my child. i know him and with him, i am well pleased."

you and me, we're both children of God.

growing up

2008-05-12T04:43:00.000-07:00

.

i used to want to be a rock star or professional drummer. or a drummer for a rock band. my high school band teacher taught me to love music and to play passionately, and for a while i did.
but i think more than wanting to play music passionately, i just wanted to be passionate about something.

as the years come, i wonder if my paycheck will come from something that i believe in. A part of me is afraid that i'm becoming older but not wiser. safer but less alive. i want to wake up to something that i've fought for. i hope i never grow up to lose that edge.

dear future brian, dont grow up too fast. stay hungry!

The world aint ready.

2008-05-01T04:01:00.000-07:00

a new delicious drink is born.

In a far off parking garage...

here we come!

the usefulness of a cup is its emptiness

2008-04-14T03:20:00.000-07:00

gotta stop pretending to being full. emptiness brings joy to the fulfiller. and the joy of the fulfiller is my strength.

decipher that suckas. haha just kidding. you are awesome.

i run a habit of comparing myself to my own standards. this is not a good idea; it continues to end in disappointment or shame, but i am a work in progress. life usually is. i cant help but feel guilty if i pass up an opportunity or responsibility. makes me say to myself "i am an empty cup." and emptiness is not attractive. its nothing. its the absence of, devoid of pros and cons, a metaphor of apathy.

i can relate with Boris Kornfield, a man whose lifetime was seen as a failure because he gave up everything he had, and died for his faith.

"Boris Kornfield is the great paradox personified. a Jew who betrayed the faith of his fathers. a doctor whose years of training were senselessly wasted. A political idealist whose utopian vision led only to a barren siberian prison. in every one of these areas, Boris Kornfield was a failure - atleast in the world's system of values. yet God took that failure of a man and through his singleminded obedience used him to lead to Christ another who would go on to become a prophetic voice and one of the world's most influential writers for Kornield's words did their convincing, convicting work, touching what Solzhenitsyn (Kornfield's friend who turn to Jesus) referred to as "a sensitive chord." That was [Solzhenitsyn's] moment of spiritual awakening: 'God of the universe, I believe You again! though i renounced you, you will be with me,' he cried out. it was a spiritual transfusion - life taken from one man and pumped into another for God's sovereign purpose. and in his conversion Solzhenitsyn saw clearly the kingdom paradox. for in the emptiness of that Russian gulag, he perceived what pleasure-seeking millions in the abundance of Western life cannot. He wrote later, 'the meaning of earthly existence lies, not as we have grown used to thinking, in prospering, but in the development of the soul.' Kornfield's brief Christian life was lived in circumscribed circumstances, almost in isolation. In many ways it would seem that his decision not to sign the medical forms (that would kill hundreds of citizens), his reporting of the corrupt prison guard, even his few hours of testimony to a perhaps terminally ill patient were futile, would gain him nothing but that which came in the end - a brutal death at the hands of his captors. yet Kornfield's faith was strong, sure, and sincere. and somehow his fellow Christian (Solzhenitsyn) and the Holy Spirit had communicated one fact to him: what God demanded of him was obedience, no matter what. single minded obedience in faith. and that lesson of the russian doctor's life was my lesson at delaware: what God wants from His people is obedience, no matter the circumstances, no matter how unknown the outcome. it has always been this way. God calling his people to obedience and giving them - at best- a glimpse of the outcome of their effort...we might think of this divine pattern as cruel, but i am convinced that there is a sovereign wisdom to it. knowing how susceptible we are to success's siren call, God does not allow us to see, and therefore glory in, what is done through us. the very nature of the obedience He demands is that it be given without regard to circumstances or results... Sop obedience is the key to real faith - the unshakable kind of faith so powerfully illustrated by Job's life. Job lost his home, his family (except for a nagging wife), his health, even his hope. the advice friends was no help. no matter where he turned, he could find no answers to his plight. eventually he stood alone. But though it appeared God had abandoned him, Job clung to the assurance that God is who he says he is.. Job confirmed his obedience with those classic words of faith: 'though he slay me, yet will i trust in him' This is real faith: believing and acting obediently regardless of circumstances or contrary evidence. after all, if faith depended on visible evidence, it wouldn't be faith.... it is absurd to constantly seek new demonstrations of God's power, to expect a miraculous answer to every need, from curing ingrown toenails to finding parking spaces; this only leads to faith in miracles rather that the Maker [of miracles]. true faith depends not upon mysterious signs, celestial fireworks, or grandiose dispensations from a God who is seen as a rich, benevolent uncle; true faith, as Job understood, rests on the assurance that God is who he says he is."

i am accepting lies as my standard in life instead of relying on God's assurances. the ones that say that i am loved by him as a father loves his son, that he loves me so much that he'd die for me, and that he would never abandon me. when my heart trusts in those words, it excites me and gives me rest. i want faith that fills. a courage to completely trust in his words. his satisfying promise that redefines life on standards of truth instead of standards of self.

(God, i need you today and tomorrow more than i ever did)

a reason to trust

2008-03-28T01:37:00.000-07:00

We need to demystify this use of the word "religion." Webster may define it as something filled with spirituality, but you and I both know what it means; the very mention of the word instantly triggers certain imagery: pews, temples, rituals, boring, conservatism, confusion, hypocrites, etc. My point is that the colloquial usage of the word "religion" is ironically mutated into a meaning devoid of spiritual substance and life (or at least, it is not the main focus of the term). instead, it is used to refer to a lifestyle or belief set which you can tailor to your likes (for which there are many "religions" to choose from). but since when does God serve man? no, God created man. not to be his slave, but to be his child. therefore, "religion" is an illusory term; it is used to refer to many beliefs in an effort to be politically correct when the essence of spirituality is that there is room for only one deity. the word "religion" has been robbed of its core 'raison d'etre': truth.

For that reason, i lose my "religion" in search of something real. less glitzy, no more hocus-pocus. I need something organic and alive and daily and relevant. Not for the sake of being different or even happy, but from the core of my being, I shut out the daily static from this hectic living and say confidently that I want to know God. I want to search him out.

I consider myself to be a deeply intellectually-guided person (don't laugh!), but I could not use those tools in my head to decipher something that was not made from the hands of man. I had to reach deep within my heart and use something that is a bit more embarrassing by logical standards, but still second-to-none when all else falls away: faith.

So how do I know that Jesus is the one? How is he trustworthy? my choice is not due to personal preferences. it is because when i call out to God, he responds in a way worthy of disbelief. It is almost as if he finds me...and thats the beauty of God whom I know and love: he responds and he never changes.

For a moment, forget all the Christian culture and icons associated with Jesus that casts him in an unrepresentative image. the world thinks that God doesn't exist because they don't see how the bible is relevant to the lives of Americans today. in fact, the world labels him and his followers as old-fashioned, conservative, close-minded, violent, bland, and unintelligent. But God doesn't have to be "trendy" to be justified as relevant. He doesn't change based on whether I worship him with a guitar or a Jewish harp in a modern church building or a Vietnamese hut. God is God. If you strip it all away, the problems of today are the same as yesterdays: greed, lust, selfishness, hatred, etc.

It's the same problem but in a different vessel. The universal stage and setting for mankind has only changed in appearance, but when you scratch the surface and read into the yearnings, celebration, and laments of our most human moments, its still the same. Culture is constantly changing. God is constantly constant. His authenticity is so great, that not even incessant droning of today's sometimes-crazy, flashy culture could drown out his relevance in every single one of our lives. He was here before hip hop. Before Caesar. Before language. Before life. And his message continues to resound today: He wants you to know who He is because He loves you and He'll let you pick what you want, but there will come a time when it will be too late to change your mind.

Therefore, i do not merely "believe" in God. I fellowship with Him. I fellowship with Him not because He appeases my needs or curiosity, but because I have a living ,breathing relationship with Him.

and there's no logic that can dismantle our relationship. boggle.

truth: square pegs werent made for round holes

2008-03-15T05:53:00.000-07:00

I'm walking a fine line between entrusting to God what is not mine and taking responsibility over what is. often times, I get mixed up between the two.

specifically, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future job. its not the most comfortable subject to think about; not easy to find peace over. I panic because I need to be accepted (or so I've been taught). I've told myself that I need a great job not for the money, but so that I'll fit into society's mold. Sometimes I feel like I'm studying hard just to become a wallflower.

however, I'm finding something to sink my teeth into: because God is all-knowing, he knows what truly matters in life; He says its not about what others think about me, but what He thinks about me. and since I know He loves me no matter what (and everyone for that matter), i should just live to understand and delight in that one thing.

its not so much about I's or ME's or MYSELF's. its about US: me & him together.

It's sweet how God tells us very specifically not to worry about our future. its also interesting how the concept of having faith in something is devoid of worry and anxiety because they inherently clash. I dont think anyone can handle the pressures of life on their own philosophies- not without lying to themselves at least.

He's always redefining my needs with his truth.

"GOD! I need a job that pays good money!"
--"no, you need to know that I accept you just as you are"

In the end, we're all searching for the right things in the wrong place. we tried to find the necessary things like security, love, acceptance, hope, by chasing things like money, honor, applause, and knowledge. while those aren't necessarily bad things, they are worldly things that cant fill this divine hole in our hearts. from what i see, God is here not to spoil our fun, but to fill that spiritual hole by revealing redefining truths that points us to the place of inner peace: in his arms of love.

romantical thoughts...

2008-03-10T23:58:00.000-07:00

if I wanted to be loved by a woman I would want to be loved for the same reason Christ loves me: because she knows me. and not for any of the ideas that I might (luckily) embody. don't you agree?

covered with my shine and shame, at the end of the day i want to meet a hug that has no reservation.

"a wife of noble character who can find? she is worth far more than rubies" (proverbs 31:10).

i also want to overcome my shallowness and wholeheartedly desire a woman worth more than jewels and not one that sparkles like one.

it is unfortunate, but for the best, that good men and women are often hidden by their looks. their inner beauty is concealed by their physical modesties. though they are diamonds in the rough they cry because they are overlooked and forgotten. but at the end of the day their tears will marry with joy because someone worthy will surely search the contents of the heart and find a great treasure: a love that is mutual, full, satisfied, joyful, and uplifting.

this is why Christ is second to none in capturing the hearts of men and women. he skips past our faces and gazes straight into the hearts and still loves us. i believe this is one of our heart's greatest desires (if not the greatest).

I'm pretty sure that's why God wants us to be people of genuinely holy character (and people with the wisdom to desire people of character). because he doesnt want anyone to get jipped. instead, "[he] came that [we] may have life and have it to the full" (john 10:10).

Isn't God awesome? he created our hearts to desire the best of love that comes from holy things like substance and not from lesser things like beauty.

why is Wednesday called "Wednesday?"

2008-02-07T00:52:00.000-08:00

This quarter, our apartments are playing a game called "assassins" where you have to "assassinate" a designated dorm student before you get assassinated by someone else who is hunting you down. they give out really nice prizes (ipods, gift certificates, etc) to the winning/ most deadly students, so it can get quite cut throat. yay!

which brings me to the funny biz: i was assassinated. T.T on the 1st day of play, i got killed! it was like the first soldier who landed on shore in saving private ryan....blah

it gets better: i was at the cafeteria and i wanted to eat with someone but i couldnt find a buddy, so i ate by myself...

**tangent**it sucks to eat alone. oh, the shame & humility! to everyone who's ever eaten alone, i salute you. whenever i eat alone, i always pull out my phone and pretend to text someone with a really really intense expression or when its really bad, i slide my phone open and start having a one-way conversation with "a friend" who "i'm meeting for lunch." i'll say something like "where you at fool?!" that's right. i'm too sneaky for my self-esteem to be belittled by the likes of you. so enjoy your lunches with your human friends because im having the time of my life texting myself. freaks. **end tangent**

anyhow, my murderer's room mates (who i vaguely remembered from last year) "befriended" me and started to talking to me with no other purpose than to stall until my murderer arrived. so... like an ox going to the slaughter, i got owned. hahah

in completely unrelated, but perhaps more important news, this really helped me today:

"for this reason i kneel before the father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth
derives its name. i pray that out of his glorious riches, he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. and i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (eph 3:14-19)

Thank you God. i want to do my best to love you.

hello blogger, happy birthday allen, goodnight san diego.

2008-02-03T02:52:00.000-08:00

yep. I am now officially a "blogger" (inaudible cheering). i know its been a while since i started wrote a post but its one of those habitual things that cant be helped. i hope this serves me well... anyhow, you are now my slave, blog. puah.

onto the literature....

Birthday Boy: ALLEN LIU

today was an awesome birthday celebration for an awesome guy, Allen Liu who turned 24! instead of buying him bone fortifying nutritional supplements and elderly diapers, we decided that he needed an xbox 360. Happy birthday bruh, God loves you.

*also worth noting: Diana Kae has the funkiest laugh. its like.....Peter Griffith's laugh: (monotone)
"heheheheheheheheheheheh." if you are ever on the same block with her, definitely check that out. its a blast haha

I love ascension (for all the cave-dwellers out there, its a hip hop team @ ucsd) because it is made up of some of the most wonderful people i have ever known. God loves them.

yes he does. :-)